


set me free

by kihovely



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Smut, Switching, Vandalism, Violence, bad boy wonho, i swear it's not as bad as it looks, lots of swearing, nerdki, there's a lot of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 07:55:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15601806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihovely/pseuds/kihovely
Summary: “You should be flattered I took my time to draw your little, annoying face on your wall. Instead of threatening me, you should be thanking me.”"My face?”“It’s a hamster, and a cute one at that. It looks exactly like you.”





	set me free

**Author's Note:**

> i revised the whole thing but even then, please excuse the mistakes >_< also enjoy <3

Kihyun is infuriated, the blood pumping through his veins is boiling and anger sets in the lower part of his stomach. He’s outside, staring at the now stained wall of his new place; a small studio he was able to rent thanks to his scholarship and the money he’s made from selling his paintings. It’s small, really, just a bathroom, a kitchen and a living room where there is a big table and space for his works; a small, brown leather couch in the left corner and a mattress on the floor, with a really old pillow that he brought from his home. And now, on the left wall of his studio, which used to be pure white, there is a huge graffiti that irks Kihyun to no point.

“Fucking brats.” He curses, out loud, lifting his glasses so he’s able to rub his eyes out of annoyance. He’s only been there two days and some stupid kid thought it would be very fun to paint all over it.

He laughs at the word ‘paint’, a graffiti like that could never be considered a painting – it’s only disrespectful and outrageous for _real_ art.

The thing is, Kihyun is a perfectionist, in every single aspect of his life. He keeps everything very tidy when he’s working, and everything sits on place on his table, there’s no one single brush wrong placed.

So this – the huge, raw and dirty painting on his wall makes him wanna punch a hole through it, because there’s nothing perfect nor beautiful about it – just letters and small drawings scattered here and there.

He sets his mind in finding out who’s the brat that dared to put a foot near to his studio and mess it up like that, so he keeps an eye out of the window the following nights, staring shamelessly until, three days later, the shape of someone’s body pops up out of nowhere. It’s too dark for Kihyun to be able to see anything properly but he notices something that looks like a graffiti can, which is enough for Kihyun to open the door and storm outside. He’s too angry to even care about facing some underground boy who would probably stick a knife into his guts in the blink of an eye – _no one_ touches his things.

“Excuse me.” He says, directly towards the guy. Through the dim light of the street lamps, Kihyun can see a bit of his face, even though he’s wearing a turtle neck that covers his chin. The guy’s wearing all black: black pants, black combat boots, black shirt with something that looks like a cat printed on it and a black, leather jacket. Even his hair is black, which makes Kihyun scoff because, isn’t it too much of a cliché?

“Yeah?” the guy is staring at him in disbelief, as if he couldn’t believe that someone like Kihyun – who probably just looks really small and petite, with his glasses held by a chain behind his neck, his curls and some freckles scattered on his upper cheeks and nose – was talking to him.

“Is that… _thing_ on my wall your doing?” he asks again, straightforwardly.

“That thing?” The guy raises an eyebrow, questioningly. His mouth turns into an ‘o’ when Kihyun points at the mess that the wall of his house has become. “Oh, you mean my masterpiece.”

Kihyun snorts, out loud.

“Masterpiece?” he can’t help himself from spurting all those words, a red light shining on his mind, yelling at him to stop before he has to spend the night in the hospital.

“Yeah, I tried a new technique with that one. Painting with graffiti is kinda hard, but you probably wouldn’t know.” Kihyun doesn’t like the way the taller man is talking at him – something between teasing and mocking; it infuriates Kihyun to no point.

“I know very well how hard painting with graffiti is.” He replies, eyes full of determination. “But that drawing fucking sucks. It doesn’t even come closer to what art truly is, so I would like you very much to get yourself some white paint and leaving it as you found it.”

Now Kihyun can see the guy is pretty annoyed too, probably insulting his work (what he called a masterpiece) hasn’t been the best of his ideas but he doesn’t care.

“What?” he is frowning, his eyes dark and intimidating. Kihyun has never felt so close to death before. “What do you even know about what art is, you brat?”

“Brat? Who are you calling a brat?!” Kihyun shouts, his eyes opening wide in shock. He’s having a hard time trying to believe that guy over there is calling him a brat.

“ _You_ are a brat.” He replies, coming closer to Kihyun, hovering over him. “You think you have all the rights because you have it so well in your life, don’t you? Well, fuck you. That studio and all this neighbourhood, actually, are _my_ place and no little mommy’s boy is going to tell me what to do. Go buy the white paint yourself.”

Kihyun is left with the response on his mouth because the guy has pressed the button of the graffiti can he’s holding and is spraying it all over Kihyun’s clothes before he smirks and turns around to leave.

 

Kihyun thinks he has never cursed so many times in his life before when he’s inside his studio again, clothes off and using a lot of stain-remover before throwing them into the washing machine, hoping they won’t be too ruined because it’s not like he owns that many clothes.

He’s angry, annoyed, _livid_. He wants to go outside and punch that guy right in his pretty face, but even though he’s angry, he’s not stupid and knows it would be futile, because the other man is taller and way stronger than him. One of his arms is probably three times Kihyun’s.

There’s a picture frame on his table, a painting he’s left undone when he has seen his target through the window, and walks towards it, sitting on the stool and grabbing one of the brushes he’s left next to it. It’s a landscape, Kihyun has a really nice view of Seoul at night where he’s living, he only has to go outside and climb the slope for a couple of minutes before he reaches another flat surface where he can stand and stare. There’s something alluring about Seoul at night, something about all the city lights shining like stars in the sky and everything is so quiet up there that Kihyun’s heart swells a bit inside his chest. It’s so beautiful and he had wanted to paint it to engrave it forever in his memories.

There are shades of yellow, gold, black and white splattered all over the canvas, recreating the city and all its wonders; you could see how much beauty Kihyun had found in it just by staring.

He doesn’t realize how late it is until he starts seeing morning light coming through his window instead of total darkness and fuck, he’s got class tomorrow and it’s probably already 6 a.m. It’s not the first time he gets so lost in one of his works that he loses track of time and ends up pulling an all-nighter or sleeping barely 2 hours, but he can’t stop when he’s inspired.

Gulping down three americanos he has saved in the little fridge at his kitchen, he puts on some fresh clothes and stuffs all his notebooks and materials inside his bag, heading outside. It’s early in the morning so the air is chilly, making him shiver and rub his forearms in an attempt to warm himself up a bit. Before going down towards the nearest subway station, Kihyun sees again the mess over his wall, making him groan and taking a mental note to buy white paint after classes are done.

 

*****

 

The guy shows up again when Kihyun has already everything prepared and settled to erase the ugly, nasty painting over his wall. There’s a white paint pot lying on the ground and a really big paint-roller brush on his hands. He’s wearing old clothes that he usually uses whenever he’s either painting or sculpting, stained and dirty already from all the times he’s worn them before.

“I can’t believe you’re really going to paint over my beautiful work.” He says, approaching him. Kihyun is not sure if he’s wearing the same clothes as the other day or if they’re all the same; maybe both. “I worked hard on this, you know?”

“Allow me to doubt it” Kihyun replies, clicking his tongue. “Also, I rented this. With my own money. You’ve got no right to do your little vandalism acts all over it.”

“Vandalism?” the taller man snorts, staring at him in annoyance. “Boy, you do know nothing about life. Not surprised, though.”

“Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?” Kihyun asks, anger spilling through his words. He really has no time to deal with brats like him; he has to paint the whole wall white again and work on a project he has to submit in two days, but the other man seemed to find annoying Kihyun very amusing.

“It means, that you’re a spoiled baby and you can’t even really appreciate art because you’re so far up your ass.”

Kihyun lets the paint-roller brush fall to the floor with a clean, loud thud. He can’t understand art? Now, that guy is about to catch these hands (figuratively).

“You have no right to tell me what I know or not know about art, I’m pretty much sure I know way more than you, don’t you think? I’m an Art major and you look like you dropped high school at the first chance you got.”

“ _That_ ,” the taller man says, approaching Kihyun until they’re inches apart. “Only proves my point.”

Kihyun has to bite his tongue not to scream what he’s thinking and have the whole neighbourhood peeping through their windows to stare at him because he’s so, _so_ mad staring at the guy’s back as he walks away again.

Kihyun turns around to pick up the paint-roller brush and pours his anger all over the wall, finishing the repainting in less than fifteen minutes, taking huge pleasure in seeing how each one of the graffiti stains were easily erased, until everything is back to normal – to being perfect, just how Kihyun liked.

 

Kihyun wakes up the next morning after finally getting a decent amount of sleep, but there are still dark circles under his eyes and he has to rub them a few times before being able to fully open them.

He fixes his eyes on the painting frame on the table, wondering if he’s able to fit it in his bag or he’s going to have to go to class with the thing under his arm – it’s not that it’s that big, but it’s uncomfortable nevertheless. The theme was animals, a really free-form topic and Kihyun struggled with what he should draw – he settled, in the end, for a black cat; the background was silver and the black colour seemed to stand out even more. He even added some golden glitter to it, around the eyes, which gave the whole thing somewhat a magic undertone.

Stuffing a French toast inside his mouth and grabbing another iced americano from his fridge he scrolls down his phone screen, checking if there are any new messages. There’s one of Minhyuk, a classmate he met the very first day and stuck to him like glue. Kihyun thought he was annoying and loud at first, but he was also nice, and his skills were also marvelous, Kihyun even got learnt new techniques from him. The other message is from his mother, something along the lines of ‘I miss you’, but Kihyun ignores it and only replies to Minhyuk, who has asked him at what hour he’s going to pick the subway.

His jaw drops open when he walks outside, so open it almost touches the dirty floor. Over the wall he had re-painted white yesterday there is another painting, with graffiti again, this time it was a huge, cartoon hamster that stuck out its tongue, as if mocking him, and there is a little signature at the bottom. Wonho, he reads.

“I’m going to fucking murder him.”

Only that he doesn’t obviously, because that guy – Wonho – he could snap his neck at any moment and Kihyun wouldn’t even have time to blink but he’s really angry, his pride is at stake now, so the next time he spots Wonho on the streets he confidently walks up to him and throws a punch.

A punch that is obviously stopped by the other’s hand, in a very swift and clean movement, grabbing his fist so tightly that it hurts Kihyun.

“Calm down there, _princess_.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he spits, trying to keep his voice steady. “I spent the whole afternoon yesterday undoing your mess and you’re back at it? Are you fucking 12?”

“No, I’m 21.” Wonho replies, instead. Kihyun is 19. “And you erased something I worked hard on and cherished, I couldn’t let it go that easily.”

Kihyun takes a step back, forcefully taking back his fist from Wonho's grip and he breathes in and out several times. He can’t lose his temper like this, even less in front of him.

“Listen, Wonho, if that’s even your name. It’s _my_ house.” Kihyun says, punctuating each word carefully. “I’m going to call the cops on you.”

“Call them.” Wonho shrugs, and there is a smirk on his face that Kihyun wants to erase very badly. “We are friends, more or less. Also Wonho is my artistic name, my real name is actually Hoseok.”

“Artistic.” Kihyun scoffs, contemptuously. “And of course you’re friends with the cops, I would be surprised if it were otherwise, actually.”

“I’m that amazing.”

Kihyun sighs, out of mere exasperation. He notices Hoseok is wearing the same clothes except the shirt, this time a full black one that embraces his chest perfectly. Kihyun was right, he could crush his head in the blink of an eye and he probably wouldn’t even sweat.

“Erase that stupid drawing off my wall, I’m warning you.” He tries to sound intimidating, scary even, and is proud of himself for actually being able to hold the other’s gaze while talking, his voice not even faltering once.

“You should be flattered I took my time to draw your little, annoying face on your wall. Instead of threatening me, you should be thanking me.” Hoseok replies, his lips curving into a sneering smile. Kihyun stares at his face for a little longer, noticing how his eyes are heavy with eyeliner and the gaze is so intense on him that makes him suddenly feel very self-conscious.

“My face?” he asks, dumbfounded. Hoseok has to be joking.

“It’s a hamster, and a cute one at that. It looks exactly like you.”

Kihyun swears if looks could kill Hoseok would be dead on the floor right then.

“You seriously have no respect for other people’s belongings.” He says, squinting his eyes at him. “I wouldn’t have expected less of someone like you.”

Something flickers in Hoseok’s eyes, something that Kihyun can’t really seem to be able to pinpoint but his mood suddenly changes from witty to a darker one, Kihyun thinks he might have been gone a bit overboard with his words – he doesn’t really know anything about the other guy and making judgements purely based on looks and society standards is something he’s not a fan of.

“I’m sorry.” He says, biting down his lower lip. “That was a bit off from me, I guess. But still I’m really angry you decided to paint all over my house without permission.”

“I’ll erase it.” Hoseok says and Kihyun notices how the spark in his eyes has disappear. “I’m sorry about that too.”

 

*****

When Kihyun wakes up the next morning the first thing he does, even before changing his pajama (an old, baggy shirt and his underwear) or even having his breakfast, he stumbles towards the door and checks his wall.

It’s all white again.

He should be happy about it – and he is, but he thinks of the hurt look on the other man when he said those words and he can’t help but feel a bit uneasy about it. He shakes his thoughts off, fully enjoying the sight of his perfect, white wall and that he doesn’t have to face that annoying brat anymore.

Or at least so he thinks, until a few days later without that black-haired head rolling around and messing up his stuff, he suddenly shows up, popping his face through Kihyun’s window and scaring the shit out of him. He’s thankful he wasn’t working on anything at that moment because if he had fucked up because of Hoseok, he was truly dead meat.

“Hello princess, long time no see.” He says, his witty, annoying little smile back on his face. His black hair is all disheveled and his face is bare this time. Kihyun doesn’t like how handsome he actually finds him – his nose, the big, pouty lips, the shade of pink on his cheeks probably after having had to walk up the slope, his eyelashes battling smoothly everytime he blinks.

“It was a really nice long time, can we please go back to it?” he replies, trying to collect himself after being scared like that. His notebook has fallen to the floor and he quickly kneels down to pick it up, placing it again over the table. He’s been doing some sketches here and there out of boredom.

“As nice and sweet as usual.” Hoseok runs a hand through the strands of his hair, leaving it even more of a mess.

“What do you want?” he asks, straightforwardly. He barely has some free time for himself, he has to work a lot in order to be able to keep selling his paintings and paying the rent, and he’s not gonna waste it with this guy. 

“I was just passing by and I thought I could come say hi?” Hoseok leans on the window, lifting his body weight a bit and leaning closer inside Kihyun’s house.

“You thought wrong.” Hoseok chuckles at his response.

“So mean.” He replies, placing his right hand on his heart, as if wounded. “I’ll get going, then, I’ve got stuff to do as well. See you soon, princess.”

“Get lost!” Kihyun shouts, popping his head out of the window right where Hoseok had been seconds earlier, making sure he hears him. “And stop calling me princess!”

 

Kihyun is usually very punctual, he sets his alarm on the previous night and wakes up soon enough to be able to get dressed, pack his stuff and have breakfast calmly, without rushing. However, for reasons he’s still not able to fully comprehend, he sleeps in that morning. When he wakes up there are only 20 minutes left for the first class and fuck, he’s screwed. There’s no way he’s going to make it in time, because he has to take the subway and then walk around 10 minutes from his stop to college.

He groans in annoyance, quickly getting up and putting on the first pair of clothes he gets from the wardrobe, so fast he’s not really sure how he manages. He doesn’t even comb his hair or wash his face and just quickly grabs his stuff and runs, all the way down the street. He almost falls and ends up eating the asphalt because it’s a slope and he’s out of control running down.

“Woah there, princess, is someone after you?”

Kihyun hears his voice before he sees him, reaching the end of the street and already turning around to head to the subway station. Hoseok is there, in the middle of the street, leaning his body against a really huge motorbike and there is another guy next to him that Kihyun has never seen before. He’s tall – really tall – and has plump lips and pink, disheveled hair.

“Shut up, I really don’t have time for this right now.” He replies, trying to catch his breath. “I overslept and I’m late.”

Hoseok raises an eyebrow at him, as in surprise.

“The perfect, little boy has slept in? I’m shocked.”

“Fuck you.”

Kihyun is already on his way back to running towards the subway when he hears a loud, engine sound from behind, so close he feels frightened and turns his head to see Hoseok riding the motorcycle he has seen before, approaching him.

“Get on.” He says, throwing a helmet at him that he barely gets a hold of. “I’ll give you a ride.”

Kihyun considers all the options he has before he puts on the helmet and gets on the motorbike, something he regrets seconds after, when he has to put his arms around Hoseok’s waist (who seems to be enjoying this a bit too much) and the motorbike starts, making a lot of noise and scaring the hell out of him. Maybe he has never got into one before because he’s a little bit scared of them and maybe he’s now panicking, eyes closed and grabbing Hoseok’s waist so tightly he’s probably going to break his bones.

“Relax, princess.” Hoseok says when they’re on the road. He moves fast and very precise, with every movement of his wrists they are passing a huge number of cars and they reach Kihyun’s school in 5 minutes.

His legs feel wobbly when he puts his feet back on the floor, taking off his helmet and giving it back to Hoseok. He’s gonna be late but only for a few minutes and he hates to admit it’s thanks to Hoseok.

“Thank you.” He says, gritting his teeth.

“You’re very welcome.” Winking his right eye at him, Hoseok puts the helmet back on his head and starts the motorbike. Kihyun stares at him until his back is no more than a black spot in the distance.

 

During lunch, Minhyuk asks him at least twenty times why he has arrived late and why he had looked so disturbed.

“I slept in, Minhyuk, how many more times do I have to tell you. That guy who destroyed my wall suggested giving me a ride and I was really desperate and not thinking straight, otherwise I would have said no.”

“So he gave you a ride and you weren’t thinking straight, I don’t know what to think about that.” Minhyuk says, a smile plastered on his face that makes Kihyun rolls his eyes so much he can almost see his own brain.

“I seriously hope you choke.” He replies, chewing on his food. He’s starving since he didn’t have time to have breakfast and didn’t even bring money with himself, having to borrow some from Minhyuk.

“So mean to the person who lends you money so you can be eating right now.” Minhyuk pokes his cheek.

He grumbles while munching on his food, something along the lines of ‘I’m not mean’, and soon enough they’re back into class. At least it’s the last one for the day and it’s about photography, something which Kihyun enjoys a lot.

 

*****

Kihyun stares at his phone from the corner of his eyes while unpacking some stuff from his bag onto the table, placing the different brushes and paints next to his new canvas. He has to work with watercolours for his next painting now, a technique that he had mastered a couple of years ago, getting obsessed over painting almost everything with them. His phone keeps vibrating on the table, he’s got at least 12 new phone calls from his mother and probably around hundred messages that he doesn’t want to read.

It’s mid-day, the perfect time of the day to paint because there is enough lightning coming through the windows, the natural light being way better than artificial one for these things. He brings his glasses back into place, adjusting them with his index finger on the bridge of his nose, and he chews on his lower lip before mixing the watercolours with some water he’s brought in a little plastic cup.

The smell of the paints should be enough to cover anything else, but Kihyun notices it anyways. The almost-familiar citrus scent, accompanied by something that he would describe as a mix of coffee and rain.

“I wonder why you keep showing up in my window like this.” He says, sitting on the stool and moving it forwards the table with his legs. He looks at Hoseok very briefly before focusing again on the canvas in front of him.

“I was on my way home and I remembered you live here, so I came to say hello.”

“Well, hello.” Kihyun looks back at him. “Now leave.”

“You shouldn’t be such an ungrateful bitch to someone who saved your ass the other day, princess. I’m sure you would have loved to arrive almost an hour late to your class.”

He’s got a point, Kihyun thinks, but he’s never gonna admit that guy is right, at least not in this life.

“And I said thank you, if you don’t remember. Also, why do you keep showing up everywhere? Are you following me?”

Hoseok sighs, probably exasperated.

“I live around the corner, just so you know. I’ve lived here since I was born so I guess I should be the one asking that instead.”

Kihyun fixes his gaze on the taller man. He’s wearing a t-shirt, leaving his well-built arms exposed, and his hair is styled up, letting Kihyun see his forehead. He looks handsome and that is both irritating and infuriating because he shouldn’t be allowed to be that good-looking.

“I just rented this place to be able to survive through college, nothing else.” He replies, leaving the brushes back on the table. He’s unable to focus and that turns him moody. “I only wanted to live here peacefully but some ass is making it really hard for me.”

“Am I making you hard, princess?”  Hoseok’s voice is low and has a seductive tone that sets all the alarms inside Kihyun off.

“The only thing you’re making hard is my will to keep living.” He replies, feeling his cheeks getting warmer. He’s been letting his guard down these days and he hates those type of comments. “And stop calling me a princess, I’m not one and I have a name.”

“Aren’t you, though? Living all by yourself by the age of, what, 19? 20? Your mommy is probably paying for all your stuff while all you do is sit down and paint.”

Kihyun’s expression hardens, and he walks up to Hoseok, until their faces are inches away from each other.

“I live by myself because I’ve worked and still work hard for this. I sell my artworks and pay everything by myself, I don’t even talk to my mom since a few years ago, so I’d be very happy if you just shut the fuck up and leave.”

Hoseok seems very surprised at that – shocked even – and Kihyun notices he’s sorry. Just like the other day, he was now the one blabbering without actually knowing anything.

“I’m sorry.” He says, scratching the back of his head. “I didn’t think-”

“Yeah, you never seem to think.” Kihyun snaps at him, still feeling his blood boiling through his veins. “And my name is Kihyun – Yoo Kihyun, just so you know.”

Hoseok nods, bringing his weight back onto his feet instead of hanging himself onto the window.

“See you later then, _Kihyun_.” He says, before turning away.

 

They don’t see each other again for weeks. Kihyun is happy – he’s got all the time in the world just for himself and he can actually do his projects and homework without being distracted or disturbed. Deep inside, though, he might miss a bit Hoseok’s husky voice, but only because it was the only human contact he has ever had in his house, besides Minhyuk coming from time to time, like right now.

“Someone is calling you.” He says, glancing over Kihyun’s phone. They’re both sitting on the cold, neat floor of the small living room, crafting a sculpture for Kihyun’s most hated class. “It’s your mom.”

Kihyun grimaces, not even giving a single look to his phone.

“I know.” That’s all he says before he’s got his hands back on the white clay sculpture he has in front of him. It’s supposed to be a woman in an ancient-Greek style but to Kihyun it resembled more to something along the lines of a zucchini with eyes. Even though he’s done sculpturing before, they were only small pieces, and even then, he had a hard time. Minhyuk, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to even be sweating.

Minhyuk doesn’t say anything about it, he simply accepts Kihyun and knows he will tell him when he’s ready.

It’s later at night, when they’ve both finished both of their artworks and Kihyun’s sculpture finally ended up looking like it was supposed to – after many tears, sweat and hours of struggling he managed to mold that clay into the Greek woman, that they’re both sitting in front of Kihyun’s couch, with his laptop over it playing the first film they’ve found on Netflix. He doesn’t have a TV but at least he’s got Wi-Fi.

Loud screams and yells come from the street, across the small esplanade where his house is and down to the slope. Kihyun pokes his head out of the window, curiosity invading all of his senses. He somehow _knows_ where all of that comes from.

“Ah, seriously.” He grumbles, closing his eyes in annoyance.

“Is that _him_?” Minhyuk asks, curious, trying to peep his head as well, but Kihyun stretches his left arm to prevent him from doing so.

He’s told Minhyuk about Hoseok; how he dared to make a mess out of his wall, all of the times they’ve argued and the ride he gave him to college the day he woke up late. Minhyuk is, as expected, very curious about how Hoseok looks like, and he pushes Kihyun away, trying to look, but it’s too dark to be able to make out anything out of the silhouette.

The sound of his motorbike keeps going on and on for minutes, Kihyun’s head starts to hurt after all the noise he’s making.

Cursing under his breath, he opens the door and storms outside, followed right after by Minhyuk, like a very excited puppy.

Kihyun gasps when he shouts Hoseok’s name and he turns around to look at him. His eyes are heavy again with eyeliner, there’s glitter all over his cheeks and his lips look so, _so_ red. He ignores the tug in his chest when he starts scolding him for being so damn loud at that time of the night.

“Do you really have to make all of this fucking noise when it’s so late?” he says, his voice loud and consistent, something he’s not really sure how he manages when Hoseok is looking at him from a few inches above and he looks so good. Not that he likes him, but Kihyun is a man who is very much able to admit when other looked so hot that he would very gladly let him fuck him senseless.

But that isn’t the case now (or is it?).

“My motorbike broke down just now.” Hoseok replies, his low voice has the usual mocking tone that Kihyun is already used to. “I’m trying to bring it back to life, but it seems futile.”

Kihyun notices, then, that there is someone else next to Hoseok, the tall, pretty and pink-haired boy he saw the other day back when he was late to class. Something seems off with him.

“He’s drunk.” Hoseok adds, when he realizes Kihyun squinting his eyes at him, trying to decipher what’s going on. “I was supposed to bring him back home, but my motorbike decided it was good time to break down.”

“Just leave it next to my house and come tomorrow morning for it, you’re going to wake up the whole neighbourhood and I don’t want anyone calling the cops on you unless it’s me, I’d like to see that first-hand.”

“So nice to me, prince-I mean, Kihyun.”

Kihyun resists the urge to punch the taller man in the shoulder, mostly because he doesn’t want to go to bed with a broken fist.

“Is your friend’s house too far away from here?”

“It’s around the corner.” Hoseok replies, and his eyes land on Minhyuk. “I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce myself, how disrespectful of me. Shin Hoseok, nice to meet you.”

“I’m Lee Minhyuk.” He replies, and Kihyun can’t help but notice how he keeps staring at the pink-haired boy. He takes a mental note about asking Minhyuk about it later.

“And that one throwing up over there is Chae Hyungwon. He’s just been through a bad break-up and decided to lean on alcohol to find some relief. He didn’t even tell me, he just went and got so drunk he almost passed out and the owner of the bar gave me a call.”

“That sucks.” Kihyun replies, feeling suddenly really sorry about Hyungwon, while he puts his right hand on the wall in front of them and throws his guts out, Hoseok holding him by the waist and head. Kihyun notices how he’s so gentle with every move and action he does with his friend; his hands holding his waist not too tight to hurt him and the hand on his neck reassuring him while he whispers ‘there, there, it’s gonna be okay’ softly to him. The whole scene is a middle point between gross and wrong but Kihyun finds it endearing, somehow.

He helps Hoseok later to push his motorbike into the esplanade where his house is, while Minhyuk had volunteered to held Hyungwon, waiting for them. Hyungwon is completely slouched over Minhyuk, who is making a face because he probably smells like alcohol and vomit.

Slowly and carefully, Minhyuk hands Hyungwon’s almost inert body to Hoseok, who throws him onto his back, letting the tall guy rest his head on his shoulder, completely passed out.

“Thanks for letting me leave my motorbike there.” He says, bowing his head slightly and smiling at them both.

“Don’t thank me, I’m returning the favour for helping me out that day.” Kihyun feels Minhyuk elbowing him not so lightly, startling him.

“How thoughtful.” Hoseok smacks his lips, pursing them together into a thin line. “Goodbye, Minhyuk, it was nice to meet you.”

“Bye Hoseok, I hope your friend won’t feel like shit tomorrow.” Minhyuk says, although they all know he’s going to want to go back to being dead when he wakes up the following day.

“Thanks. And see you too, _princess_!” He punctuates every syllable of the word ‘princess’, staring right at Kihyun as he does. Kihyun sees the smirk spreading through his lips before he’s turning around and he’s yelling ‘my name is Kihyun!’ at him from behind.

 

*****

Kihyun doesn’t hear the end of it during weeks; Minhyuk asks him about Hoseok and his _pretty_ drunk friend all the time. That’s how Minhyuk calls him and Kihyun realized then Minhyuk isn’t as straight as he thought he was.

“Me? Straight? What kind of offense.” Minhyuk had told him, laughing while sipping down a can of soda he’s stolen from Kihyun’s fridge.

He didn’t ask Kihyun about it, although he knows, deep inside, he probably knows too. He envies Minhyuk – someone so bright and open about whatever he likes doing and loves, he doesn’t care about what people think of him. If only Kihyun was like that too.

He folds his knees on the couch, wrinkling the sheets he’s put over it because the fabric was too ugly, and he was also scared of it getting dirty. His laptop is on his legs, the warmth coming from it making his thighs feel uncomfortable and his glasses sit perfectly on the bridge of his nose, moving slightly upwards everytime he munches on his snacks, some chips he’s bought in the nearest convenience store earlier after class.

He’s been waiting for hours already to receive an email about his grades in the latest project he’s submitted last week, the teacher told them this morning she would send out their marks around afternoon, and he checks on his inbox mail from time to time while watching a really boring film on Netflix that he’s barely paying attention to.

His phone is vibrating next to him, probably full of Minhyuk’s messages and a group chat he decided to add him on, from some art snobs that liked sharing gossips about who was banging who now in between classes, something that Kihyun couldn’t have less interest in, but Minhyuk had insisted. There are probably messages from his mother, too.

His fingers freeze inside the bag of chips when he sees the number one on his inbox mail and he sucks the salt off them before opening the mail and typing his college email and password in order to log into the page. There’s a pdf document uploaded that says ‘class A’ and Kihyun waits nervously while it downloads on his desktop. Their grades are given next to their ID number and Kihyun searches frantically for his. Next to his number he sees his mark, 9 out of 10.

“Not bad.” He murmurs, feeling satisfied with himself. It’s been a painting he has struggled a lot with, not feeling inspired at all by the topic given, so he really thought it would turn out bad and get a lower grade – but turns out it wasn’t the case.

He throws the empty bag of chips into the small trash can he’s got next to his fridge and turns off his laptop, getting ready to go to bed. It’s not really that late, around 1 a.m., but he’s tired and his eyes start closing without his permission.

There’s a loud thud coming from the other side of his door that startles Kihyun when he’s already sitting on his mattress, making him stand up quickly, his heart racing inside his chest.

Slowly, he moves forward, eye peeping through the peephole but he sees nothing in front of him. With a lump in his throat he opens the door until it hits something – _someone_ , Kihyun notices, and he lets out a loud gasp when he realizes the person lying on the floor is Hoseok.

“Oh my god.” He says, his voice shaking as he kneels down in front of the other man, whose face is against the floor.

Using all the strength he didn’t know he had, Kihyun grabs Hoseok by the shoulders and drags him inside his house, throwing him onto the floor and breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath after the huge effort.

He sits in front of him after closing the door, grabbing Hoseok’s chin to make him look at him. There’s blood on his face – his lower lip is ripped and there are a few, shallow cuts over his cheeks. His left eye is turning an ugly purple and his eyebrow is torn, too.

Kihyun holds Hoseok’s chin tightly when the other man tries to look away, embarrassed in front of him.

“Wait a minute, I’ll be back.” That’s all he says before walking towards the kitchen, opening one of the cabinets and pulling out a first aid kit. He has never really used it before, but he thinks it can’t be _that_ hard. He also grabs a frozen fish bag from the freezer and envelopes it with a cloth.

When he’s back with Hoseok, he pours carefully the chlorhexidine into one of the cotton pads and presses it against his lips, making Hoseok whine in pain.

“It burns.” He says, his voice low and Kihyun misses the spark in his eyes and the mocking tone he always uses whenever he’s with him.

“I know, just hang on a bit.”

Hoseok is pressing the frozen fish bag against his eye, the thin cloth making it easier for him, while Kihyun takes care of the rest of his wounds, his fingers gently and carefully disinfecting each one of them before putting some band aids over the cuts.

“Don’t drink alcohol or smoke while you’ve got that wound in your lip.” Kihyun states after he’s done, softly patting the other’s thigh.

“I do neither of those.” Hoseok replies, surprising Kihyun. It must be very obvious in his face because Hoseok chuckles softly, which turns into a painful moan right afterwards, the wound in his lip is not very pleased with that laugh. “I know it’s surprising.”

“I just kind of…assumed it, I guess.”

“It’s understandable.” Hoseok shrugs. “I’ve drank sometimes, but I don’t do it on a daily basis and I don’t smoke – I don’t do drugs either in case you’re wondering.”

“That’s quite shocking coming from someone who lives in the streets.” Kihyun says, and he’s doing it again – assuming things off people based on their looks.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, princess.”

“I told you to stop calling me princess.” Kihyun says after leaving the first aid kit on its place again.

“I’m sorry.” Hoseok lies back on the couch, rubbing the only eye that hasn’t been beaten. “ _Kihyun_. Thank you for helping me.”

“It’s okay. Although you owe me one now.” He jokes, and hopes Hoseok knows it’s a joke too, because sometimes he comes off as meaner as he’s intended to.

“I just…I had nowhere else to go.”

It’s a simple sentence but it triggers something inside Kihyun – something that sets on his lower stomach and that makes him feel uneasy, some kind of sadness Kihyun is not really sure where to place at.

“You can sleep here tonight.” He says before he can really process what he’s even saying. Later on that night he will scold himself very thoroughly for letting Hoseok – _that_ Hoseok sleep in his house, the one who ruined his wall and mocked him to no point, the one to annoyed him so much he wanted to punch his face until his pretty smirk disappeared. There’s a part of his mind that wonders if Hoseok will steal something from him – based on merely his outer image, but Kihyun knows Hoseok would never do that. Somehow, he just _knows_.

Hoseok sleeps on his mattress while Kihyun decides to take the couch, which is too small, and more than half of his legs are hanging off, but he doesn’t really mind.

Kihyun doesn’t know when he nods off but the next time he opens his eyes there’s morning light coming through his window. His neck is stiff and all his muscles sore and it takes him a few seconds to realize he’s slept on the couch and a man – Hoseok – is sleeping on his bed.

Carefully not to wake him up, he gets up from the couch, tiptoeing across the floor until he’s next to the mattress. Instinctively, he sits down in front of the other boy, staring at him in complete silence. There’s something alluring and so, so beautiful about him: Kihyun notices every single detail of his face, even when it’s wounded like that he still finds him breath-taking. Sleeping, all his features soften, and he looks like an innocent kid that needs to be protected. Kihyun wonders how he has been beaten up so ugly when he’s got all those muscles and could break a glass with his index finger in the blink of an eye.

He leaves a sticky note next to the mattress, written with an almost worn-out sharpie that was scattered across his table, letting Hoseok know there’s some food in the kitchen and he can leave whenever his body allows him to.

 

Kihyun isn’t surprised when Hoseok isn’t at home when he returns from his classes, but there’s another sticky note on his table, Hoseok’s handwriting saying ‘thank you for yesterday’ and some cute emojis drawn over it that make Kihyun chuckle in disbelief. He’s also surprised when he finds his cabinet full of new snacks and other types of food Hoseok has probably bought from the convenience store around the corner, possibly to make up for the ones he had eaten when he woke up. Grabbing another bag of chips, Kihyun can’t help but smile.

Later on, that day, Kihyun finds himself sitting on his stool and spending the whole night drawing something he has wanted to do since he woke up. He draws both versions of Hoseok in the same canvas, one side is dark and messy, all leather and heavy eyeliner – Kihyun makes sure to add the lingering sadness he’s noticed Hoseok carries always with him, as if the weight of the world landed on his shoulders, and it contrasts with the other side; Hoseok sleeping, his eyes closed and his features relaxed, Kihyun makes sure to add the light shade of pink to his cheeks that he has liked earlier so much that made him look like a kid. He hides the painting in the back of his room before going to sleep.

 

*****

 

He’s drunk.

That’s all Kihyun can think of when he steps a foot outside the subway, stumbling on his way back. He recalls Minhyuk inviting him to a party someone was throwing in their house and Kihyun agreeing, although reluctantly, in the end. He also recalls himself sipping down one glass of wine in one go because he hates beer and he felt anxious surrounded by so many people. One glass turned into five more and god knows what else he slurped down his throat that night, but now he’s dizzy, his vision is blurrier than usual and he feels the nausea building up in his throat as he makes his way off the subway station, tripping over the escalator.

He tries to remember the way back home from the subway, his mind yelling something at him along the lines of walk straight a few minutes and then up the slope, but he’s having a hard time even taking a few steps. He should have let Minhyuk accompany him, he had insisted very much, but Kihyun was reluctant, telling Minhyuk to go home and get some sleep, because he lived just around the corner.

Kihyun hears – feels someone walking behind him, some laughs and dry chuckles that send shivers down his spine, and he’d be scared to death if he was in his right state of mind. But he’s not, so Kihyun tries to walk faster but he’s not really sure where he’s going.

Someone grabs his arm from behind, Kihyun squints his eyes at him trying to focus on his face. It’s a tall, blond-haired man that he’s never seen before, probably a few years older than him and the look on his face is beyond disgusting. He and his other friend that Kihyun can’t see well either corner him, pushing his body against the nearest wall. It’s 5 a.m. and there’s no one in the streets, Kihyun knows no one will see him and if he yells they’ll probably beat the fuck out of him.

“What is such a pretty, pretty boy doing walking alone so late at night?” the blond guy asks, sticking out his tongue to lick his lips while he stares at Kihyun from head to toe. The anxiety building up inside him increases the nausea in his throat. He’s scared but at the same time he’s not – he feels numb and wishes he could do something: yell, run, _anything_ to get himself off from there.

“Fuck you.” He thinks he utters, and is confirmed when he hears a loud, obnoxious chuckle coming from the other man, who grabs his chin so hard it hurts Kihyun’s jaw.

“Don’t you dare to talk to me like that, little slu-”

His words are muffled by a loud thud and Kihyun blinks several times, trying to process the scene in front of him. There are other two men now in the scene, one is punching the man who was grabbing Kihyun’s chin really hard and the other is pinning down the man’s friend, immobilizing him. All Kihyun can see are splashes of black everywhere – black clothes, black hair, the guy keeps punching the man down without mercy, until he hears the other guy yelling at him to stop before he kills him and that seems to click something inside his mind because he stops abruptly, spitting into the other’s face before getting up, his red, bloody knuckles resting against his side.

“Touch him again and you’re dead.”

The man – Kihyun notices, is Hoseok, all fierce and tall standing in front of him. He grabs his right arm, a fire burning in his eyes that even in his drunken state Kihyun can see.

He lets Hoseok drag him home, a feeling of safety suddenly washing over him when he realizes he’s actually going to get back home and in one piece.

“What the fuck were you doing alone at this hour?” Hoseok shouts at him when they’re inside his house and Kihyun slumps dead on his mattress. “Kihyun, you could have gotten raped, or killed, even, this neighbourhood is really dangerous at nights and- _wait_ , are you drunk?”

Hoseok’s voice goes ten times lower when he realizes Kihyun isn’t actually paying much attention to him, that he’s very much drunk and about to pass out on his bed, and he decides he would scold him the next morning – for now, he just helps Kihyun put on a comfy, baggy t-shirt as a pajama and tucks him in bed, patting his forehead softly before he lies on the couch, trying to adjust himself into the small furniture before nodding off as well.

 

The moment Kihyun opens his eyes he regrets living with every single cell of his body; the events from the previous night wash over him like a tornado and everything hurts. He tries to groan but his throat is so dry he’s not even able to do that, and tries to get up from bed towards the kitchen when his eyes land on Hoseok sleeping on his couch and he almost has a heart attack.

“What the fuck.” He yells, voice husky and broken. He gets really blurry flashes of someone grabbing him last night and then Hoseok over him, beating him, and then he just remembers falling into his bed and asleep.

He tries to get more off his fuzzy memories but it’s futile, it only makes his head ache even more.

Slowly not to wake the other man up he grabs a water bottle from the fridge and gulps it down so fast he almost spills everything over his body – just like he probably did last night at the party. He’s never going to follow Minhyuk again his life.

He checks out his phone, his eyes closing quickly at the sudden, bright light at which they’re exposed, and he blinks a few times, trying to get used to it. There are at least a hundred messages of Minhyuk asking him if he got home safely and he quickly sends him a message saying that yes, he did, but nodded off as soon as he got in so he wasn’t able to text him before. Minhyuk doesn’t have to know the whole truth – he doesn’t even know it himself.

Back in the living room, his gaze lands again on Hoseok. Kihyun’s heart constricts inside his chest when he’s aware of his fists – they’re torn and swollen, with a mix of red and purple, and Kihyun hates that he thinks drawing Hoseok in those colours would suit him perfectly.

He sits down in front of the couch, just like he did the other day when Hoseok was sleeping on his bed, and stares at the other man’s face from below. The wounds on his face have almost all healed, although there’s still a scar on his lower lip, but Kihyun thinks Hoseok looks pretty even like that, it gives him a dangerous, wary vibe that Kihyun seems to like very much.

Hoseok’s dark strands of hair are messy all over his head and face, Kihyun gently brushes them off his forehead and eyes, and thinks he would look good with dyed hair – maybe some bluish green highlights or maybe even some bold colour, like purple.

He falls asleep again, head on the couch next to Hoseok’s arm, and he knows his neck is probably going to fall off his body the next time he opens his eyes due to the uncomfortable position, but he doesn’t care.

 

He opens his eyes, in surprise, when he feels his whole body being lifted very gently, and all he can see is Hoseok’s back while being pressed against his chest as the taller man places him carefully on the mattress. When he’s lying down, though, he realizes he might have been holding onto Hoseok too tightly because when he tries to get up, he’s suddenly all destabilized by Kihyun’s grip on him and falls over his body.

He gasps, feeling suddenly all the weight of Hoseok’s body on him, who quickly retreats back, pressing his palms against the sheets on each side of Kihyun’s head, and he’s looking at him. Kihyun stares at the man in front of him at a loss for words – he’s usually witty and chatty but Hoseok’s face being at inches away from him has stolen all the air from his lungs and all he can hear is heart, pounding loudly in his chest. There’s a feeling in his guts that he can’t really seem to pinpoint – something thrilling and hazardous, something that makes Kihyun’s head spin around.

“How are you?” Hoseok asks, his breath feels warm against Kihyun’s lips and god, why is he so, so close.

“I feel like shit.” Kihyun replies, not really sure how. His eyes lands on Hoseok’s lips – they’re pink and plump, glistening with saliva and they look so kissable. Kihyun feels Hoseok’s burning gaze on him and he wonders if he can hear the way his heart is on the verge of collapsing inside his chest.

“You were so risky last night…” Hoseok murmurs, his features don’t have any hard lines on them, which reminds Kihyun of the times he’s asleep and looks so out of place, so out of who Hoseok seems to be.

Kihyun thinks it would be better if they just sat down and talked to each other instead of him being pinned down onto the mattress with Hoseok lying on top of him like that, because he’s got a hangover and is not thinking _straight,_ his mind is filled with thoughts of Hoseok closing the distance between them. He finds the older man extremely obnoxious, annoying and prepotent, but he isn’t blind and Hoseok is hot.

“I was really worried and I acted out of my mind.” Hoseok lets all his body weight fall in one hand while he uses the other one to touch Kihyun’s jaw, moving upwards to trace circles on his cheek. “I was angry at you last night and tried to scold you, but you were so drunk you passed out immediately.”

“I’m sorry, I never really drink and yesterday I went a bit overboard, I didn’t think of the aftermath. Your hands…”  Kihyun lifts his own right hand to touch the one that is on his cheek, carefully enough not to hurt Hoseok.

“It’s okay, they’ll heal.” Hoseok lips turn into a shy smile that has Kihyun’s legs trembling, as if they were suddenly made of jelly.

They stare at each other for a few seconds more – or months, Kihyun isn’t sure, because time seems to be frozen between them and he can only look at Hoseok’s lips.

Out of the blue, Kihyun’s stomach growls as if he had a whole wolf inside his guts and he curses all of his functioning being for deciding that was the perfect moment for him to be hungry, his brain could have waited for glucose a little longer.

Hoseok bursts out laughing, getting up from his previous position and sitting on the bed, feet touching the floor.

“Someone’s hungry.” He states the obvious, but Kihyun still feels like dying. “I’ll cook you something for that upset stomach you’ve got. And a painkiller, if you’ve got.”

“Everything’s on the kitchen.” Kihyun answers, lying back on the bed when Hoseok has left to the kitchen and he hides his head under the pillow, muffling the cries of despair. He’s got to be the unluckiest man alive.

While Hoseok is in the kitchen – making a lot of noise, which has Kihyun frowning as he tries his best not to panic thinking about him leaving his kitchen into a mess – he grabs his old, ragged notebook from a drawer in his desk and a pencil, then sits back on the bed and sketches some doodles. They’re all messy and quick – he draws Hoseok’s face in different positions and with different shadows, paying more attention to the lips and his nose, which happen to be Kihyun’s favourite parts because they are perfect, and Hoseok is so, so pretty.

He closes his notebook and hides it under his bed minutes before the older man is back, carrying a tray with a dish that looks like it has porridge and a glass of water. There’s a pack of ramyun too, hot steam coming from it.

“The healthy one is for you.” He gives the dish to Kihyun, along with a spoon. He’s not a fan of porridge but he’s on the verge of starving and he’s heard of Minhyuk it’s good for hangovers, so he trusts Hoseok as well and just stuffs it down his throat.

Meanwhile, Hoseok is holding some chopsticks Kihyun had probably lost around the kitchen and is eating the ramyun very diligently, a look on his face Kihyun has never seen before. His gaze lands again on Hoseok’s bruised knuckles and he feels a wave of guilt washing over him. It’s the second time he’s seen Hoseok hurt and his mind doesn’t seem to like those words together.

“You look as if you were eating the best Korean beef in the world.” He remarks, sipping down from his glass of water. It’s cold and Kihyun’s teeth hurt from the sensation.

“I kind of love ramyun. But mostly when I was younger, I’m healthier now, I have to keep fit.”

“You’re doing a _really_ good job at that.” He blurts. There’s a silence that follows afterwards in which Hoseok is raising an eyebrow at him, teasingly, and Kihyun is completely blushing, hiding his face behind the dish.

“Thanks.” Hoseok replies and Kihyun just knows he’s never gonna hear the end of it. Now Hoseok _knows_ he likes his body and is going to tease him about it probably forever.

They don’t talk anymore while eating, each one too focused on filling up their stomachs, and Kihyun offers himself to bring the dishes back into the kitchen, scared of what he’ll see inside. Much to his surprise, though, nothing seems to be out of its place, everything neatly placed and tidy.

“You were expecting me to fire up the kitchen, weren’t you?” Hoseok’s soft laugh fills up the small kitchen, resounding through Kihyun’s chest. He thinks he likes that, maybe a bit too much.

“Kind of.” Kihyun shrugs, raising his hands. “You’re a disaster.”

A very beautiful disaster, he thinks.

*****

Kihyun, for the very first time in what seems ages, has some free time from school – a week off to rest and go back to their families, so he’s gonna spend the whole time sleeping, eating and probably painting. There’s a wip he’s got hidden inside his wardrobe and he’s been meaning to finish it for weeks already, but he’s never had enough time before to sit down in his stool and spend hours finishing it.

He also decides to explore around the neighbourhood, it’s been more than half a year since he’s been living there and hasn’t seen much except the same four streets he always has to walk through, and the convenience store around the corner that always saves him when his eyes are red from studying and his stomach growling.

Kihyun discovers many little, local shops he’s never seen before – there’s a tea shop that smells like cardamom and ginger, the scent filling up his nostrils is so strong that he can still feel it even when he’s walked past the store; there’s also a couturier, hidden between two grocery stores and it’s really small, Kihyun spots an old lady working on a suit jacket very diligently, humming an old, trot song that reminds him of his childhood and he feels fuzzy inside. Although the neighbourhood is rather poor (and dangerous at nights), Kihyun finds beauty in every small thing he sees, his mind already full of ideas for new paintings.

There’s a small café at the end of the street. The place is small and almost unnoticeable unless you knew it was there, but there are tables and chairs outside that give it away. Kihyun stares at the signboard, the name ‘Blue Mountain café’ written in azure on a wooden background. The windows have white lace curtains and there are flower pots everywhere, the pleasant mix of coffee and flowers is cozy and warm.

The interior of the place is exactly how Kihyun had picture it in his mind: there are different sizes and types of tables and chairs, even some brown, leather couches with cute cushions; small flower pots decorate the tables and the ceiling and there are also shelves filled with books. Kihyun notices the wall at the end is empty from any other ornamentation but pictures and letters from the people who come here, something he finds endearing. The warm light gives the whole place a homey feeling that Kihyun hasn’t felt in a long time.

His jaw drops to the floor when he gets to the counter to place his orders.

“No fucking way.”

He blinks a few times – even rubs his eyes – in disbelief of the sight he’s got in front of him.

“You’ve got to be kidding.” He says, his mouth still wide open.

“No, besides kicking asses at nights and saving yours I also work here.” Hoseok replies, trying hard not to laugh. His dark hair is slicked back and he’s wearing the café uniform, black jeans and black shirt, with the pink apron being the cherry on top.  “What would you like to order?”

Kihyun opens and closes his mouth a few times like a fish before being able to gather his thoughts.

“Bingsu and peach iced tea.” He says after thoroughly checking the menu.

Hoseok taps on the computer screen his order and hands him the bill. Their hands touch briefly when Kihyun grabs the ticket and he quickly moves away, the simple brush feels electrifying.

After paying and collecting the return, he sits in one of the small couches and stays on his phone, giving furtive glances at Hoseok from time to time until he is bringing his order.

“This explains why you didn’t fire up my kitchen that day.” Kihyun mentions when Hoseok sits in a chair next to him. There aren’t many people right now so he can afford to spend some time there.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.” Hoseok steals Kihyun’s spoon and tries out the bingsu.

Kihyun stays quiet, wondering how many things he knows about Hoseok and how many he doesn’t. The man sitting in front of him is a mystery, intimidating and dangerous but alluring at the same time. He wants to know more about him, so he asks.

“I’ve got a week off from college.” He says, hoping Hoseok gets the hint.

He does.

“I get off from work at 8 p.m, do you wanna have dinner with me?”

Kihyun stares at Hoseok stealing another spoonful of his bingsu and he nods right away.

 

Kihyun is overthinking again by the time he’s trying to choose his outfit, with Minhyuk video-calling him.

“I can’t believe you’ve got a date.” Minhyuk is saying, for the nth time in ten minutes.

“It’s not a date.” He replies, again, sighing heavily. “We are just…friends, if you could say so. There’s nothing going on between us, I don’t even like him.”

“So that’s why you’ve called your best friend to pick your outfit? C’mon, Ki.”

“You know what? I’m hanging up.”

There are loud yells coming through the phone as Minhyuk is telling him not to hang up and, with another heavy sigh, he lets the other man help him choose the clothes he’s going to wear, although he’s not really sure why he even bothers. It’s not a date and they’re just going to talk. There’s no way Hoseok is interested in him, the truth is he seemed painfully straight and Kihyun is somehow still not out of the closet.

Ripped, tight jeans are hugging his legs and thighs and a white t-shirt with a black jacket are covering his upper part. Minhyuk insisted in wearing make-up and, after many arguments, Kihyun finally gave in, trying on some eyeliner for the second time in his life (the first one was the day he went to the party with Minhyuk, who almost stabbed the brush inside his eye when Kihyun said no), and his hair is styled up, leaving his undercut at sight.

 

Hoseok is supposed to pick him up at 9 p.m on his motorbike in the esplanade, but when it’s 10 a.m and he’s still not showing up Kihyun decides to leave. His heart feels heavy inside his chest, disappointment and deception setting on his stomach. He had been so excited about seeing Hoseok like that, being dumped wasn’t even between his options and, honestly, it hurt.

He lies on the couch for a while, not even bothering to change his clothes or remove his make-up, only being able to think that he and Hoseok were supposed to be eating dinner by then.

When he’s half asleep, loud knocks against his door startle him, making him jump from his couch as if there were spiders in it. With a racing heart and his head aching from the sudden shock, he opens the door to see Hoseok – sweating and breathing heavily.

“I am so, so sorry.” He starts, speaking too fast and loud for someone who has just woken up. “I had problems at home and I couldn’t reach you in any way, I came as fast as I could, I swear.”

Kihyun wants to be angry, he wants to be angry at Hoseok for having left him alone just like that, but seeing the worried expression in the other’s face as he tries to explain why he couldn’t come earlier softens any hard feelings inside Kihyun.

“It’s okay.” He says, trying to calm Hoseok down. “If you had problems at home then that’s not up to you, so don’t worry. We can still grab some dinner at the convenience store and eat somewhere, if you want.”

Hoseok noods, and Kihyun notices his shoulders are suddenly less tense as he sighs in relief.

They end up eating somewhere near Kihyun’s house – a park he’s never seen before on the street above. It’s small but there are benches and a small fountain, and the moonlight gives a fairy, dreamy vibe that makes it very pretty. Kihyun thinks Hoseok is very pretty too, even when his mouth is full of food and he’s making chewing sounds.

His outfit and his make-up don’t seem appropriate for such scenery, but Hoseok had apologized at least a thousand times more after they had arrived and he doesn’t want to make it worse by remarking it.

“I feel like I should apologize again.” Hoseok says once he’s finished his dinner, throwing the remains into the nearest trash can. He sits again next to Kihyun, folding his legs to turn around.

Kihyun rolls his eyes, smacking softly his thigh.

“Don’t.” he says, finishing his food as well. “I understand.”

“It’s more complicated than what it looks like – my situation at home.” Hoseok bites his lower lip, probably doubting whether he should talk about this or not, and Kihyun encourages him to keep talking. He wants to know more about him.

“I’m willing to listen if you’re comfortable about it.”

“I’ve never really talked about it before, only Hyungwon knows and not even the full story.” Kihyun’s hand falls on his thigh, caressing the skin through the fabric. “My mother died when I was a kid and my father…well, he never got over that. He fell into the alcohol and now he is either sleeping or drunk almost every single day. I work for the both of us, trying to pay the rent and get food. When I was a teenager, I-” he takes a deep breath, and Kihyun presses his hand harder against his leg, squeezing the flesh, reassuringly. “I used to deal drugs back then, but I got tired of that life style very quickly. I just left and worked really hard into finding a new job, the one where I’m working at now, I owe my life to the old lady who runs that café.”

“So it’s been a while since you’ve been working there, then.” Kihyun says, which is something very obvious, but he felt as if he needed to say something to ease things for Hoseok.

“Yeah, it’s been years already. I don’t do drugs, by the way. I never did, neither smoke nor alcohol, except some drinks here and there sometimes. I guess it’s all because of my father – we’ve got enough with one of us being ruined, don’t you think?” a humourless, dry chuckle follows his words and Kihyun is suddenly very aware of how tired he looks. “I really can’t even blame him, you know? He lost my mother and I probably remind him a lot of her so that’s his way of enduring things, I guess.”

Kihyun frowns.

“What do you mean?” he inquiries, feeling Hoseok tensing up under his touch.

“I-…Well, he, sometimes, when he’s drunk and confused he…goes overboard.” His voice is low and trembling, making Kihyun’s heart ache in ways he didn’t know it was possible. “And he hits me.”

Kihyun stares in shock at the man in front of him, blinking a few times.

“Is that what happened the day you came to my house?” he says, very carefully. He doesn’t want to trigger Hoseok in any way.

“I know I’m strong enough to stop him but I just can’t. I can’t hurt my father even when he does all these things, because I understand he’s in pain and devastated and he has to let it all out, somehow.”

“Hoseok, beating your son is not an excuse for whatever thing is going in your life. That’s not how it works.”

By that time Hoseok’s face is already moist with tears and his body is shaking, convulsing with each sob. Kihyun moves closer and pulls the other man into a tight hug, letting him rest his head on his shoulder, and Hoseok hides his face against the crook of his neck, crying silently.

“I’m sorry.” Kihyun says, knowing very well that meant too little, but he doesn’t know what else to say. Instead, he just holds Hoseok stronger, palms against his back. “I’m sorry Hoseok, you don’t deserve any of this.”

It all made sense in Kihyun’s mind now: Hoseok coming to him shattered and hurt had surprised him to no point, because Hoseok is strong and big and thinking of him being beaten up by some random guy in the streets doesn’t make any sense.

“Can’t you move out?” he asks, a few minutes later when Hoseok has calmed down. His face is still red and his eyes are puffy, but Kihyun finds him so beautiful it hurts. “Get yourself another apartment and live there.”

“I can’t just leave my father, Kihyun.” Hoseok shakes his head.

“You have no responsibility over someone who is abusive towards you.” Kihyun replies, and he can only think of his own mother.

“It’s my father, I just can’t.”

“It’s not your fault and you shouldn’t be punished like this, Hoseok.” He knows it’s futile to insist, and even though he would like very much for Hoseok to leave that hell of a house behind, he understands.

“It’s not his fault either, I just…I just have to endure a little longer. It’s been really hard all these years but lately things seem to have gotten a bit better for me.”

Kihyun’s mind starts racing with thoughts – he would like to think that the reason behind that is him.

“My parents are divorced, my dad just left when I was 12 and I never heard of him anymore.” He says, instead. He’s never talked to anyone before about this, not even to Minhyuk. “I used to live with my mom until I gathered enough money to leave and I ended up here. She calls me and texts me everyday but I don’t want to see her ever again.”

Hoseok grabs his hand, softly caressing the skin with his thumb. Kihyun knows it means ‘’keep talking, I’m right here’’, so he does, inhaling deeply.

“She’s…not a really good mother, I guess. She always tried to make me be however she wanted me to and do as she pleased; she would never let me join the drama club or the music band, she only wanted me to join the football team or date girls.”

“Couldn’t you do all of them instead of choosing?” Hoseok asks, a questioning look on his face.

“You see, the problem with my mother is that she knew – knows – how I am and that was something she couldn’t stand. She treated me like I was disgrace, a child she should have never had.”

“What do you mean ‘how you are’? I don’t see anything wrong with you.”

“Hoseok.” Kihyun breathes in and out several times, his heart beating so hard it echoes in his ears. His stomach hurts and his hands are shaking out of anxiety. He’s never said this before to anyone and it’s eating him up. “I don’t like girls.”

Silence follows his words and he can feel Hoseok’s stare on him while he looks down at his feet, feeling his cheeks red and the tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. He can already anticipate Hoseok rejecting him, disgusted and scared, just like his mother.

“I do.” Hoseok talks again, after a few seconds that seemed like ages to Kihyun. “But I like boys too.”

Kihyun gasps, chuckled by the tears he didn’t even notice rolling down his face. The only thing he’s ever known before has always been reject – from his mother, the person who was supposed to be always there for him, and his high school classmates, who would mock him calling him names every day. Knowing that Hoseok did not only not reject him but he’s also like him has Kihyun sobbing his heart out.

“There, there.” Hoseok palms his back, pulling him into a hug just like he had done before. “Let it all out, Kihyun, I’m gonna be right here.”

He cries sometime more, letting out all he’s had bottled up inside during years; all the pain, the hurt, the rejection.

 

They walk home silently, close next to each other and their arms brushing with each step. It’s a quiet night, only the sound of some cars in the distance and wild animals could be heard, there was no one in the streets besides them. He wants to ask Hoseok if he wants to stay that night, but he’s not ready for that just yet.

He opens the door of his studio and turns around to bid farewell to Hoseok, who has his right arm against the door frame, lightly leaning over him.

“See you tomorrow?” he says, and it wasn’t supposed to be a question but Hoseok is very close and his heart is not functioning properly.

“Sure.”

They stare at each other for a minute, Kihyun thinks the air surrounding them must have become heavier because he suddenly has trouble breathing. He wonders if Hoseok can hear how loud his heart is beating.

“I really want to do something right now but I don’t know if I should.” Hoseok says, his voice low and tempting.

“Just do it.” He feels himself saying, fully aware of Hoseok’s intentions. He would be lying if he said he did not want this, no matter how nervous he’s feeling. He wonders if he’ll pass out.

Hoseok’s lips are exactly just like him – a mix between rough and soft, and he tastes like coffee and graffiti and they brush away each one of Kihyun’s doubts, filling his mind with only thoughts of Hoseok, how his hands are cupping his cheeks, pressing them lightly as if he was afraid Kihyun would disappear at any moment, and he’s kissing him so tenderly that his legs are about to give in.

He’s the first one to seek for a little bit more – just a bit, but it’s enough to make Hoseok gasp in surprise. He nibbles softly on Hoseok’s lower lip, sucking on the flesh, and darts out his tongue, shyly pushing inside the other’s mouth. Hoseok takes it very gladly and uses his own too, playing with Kihyun’s and turning the initial sweet kiss into a sloppier one. Kihyun dwells on the feeling of Hoseok’s body against him as he throws his arms around his neck and pulls him closer. Back against the wall next to his door and with Hoseok’s body on him, kissing him so passionately, Kihyun thinks he really could die just there and he’d be happy.

Breaking the kiss to breathe, quickly swallowing air back into his lugs, Kihyun’s mind is completely blank, the only words he seems to be able to come up with are mere curses.

“Fuck.” He says, following his thoughts. He didn’t intend on saying it out loud, but he just feels so – well, so giddy.

“Yeah, _fuck_.” Hoseok has not moved one inch away from his face, and Kihyun can feel him smiling against his lips. “See you tomorrow, Kihyunnie.”

 

*****

Saying that Hoseok now spent more time at Kihyun’s is an understatement; the only thing keeping him apart from living with him was that he left at nights. Of course, he was away sometimes too, whenever Kihyun was at college or he went out with Hyungwon, but most of the times were spent next to him.

Not that Kihyun is complaining.

He finds out Hoseok, despite being stubborn and careless at times, is also sweet and very thoughtful – he cared for every little detail and Kihyun is also maybe a little bit head over heels for him by now. Turns out, Hoseok did know a lot about art despite having had the guts to spray all over Kihyun’s wall back then. They talk about everything and nothing, sometimes about what they’re going to have for dinner or what Kihyun’s next project is about. He never tells nor shows Hoseok the drawings he keeps in his old, ragged notebook and inside his wardrobe, too shy to talk about them out loud. He would never admit how he still stays up some nights to draw Hoseok, every single detail he’s falling in love with being captured on the pages, as a memory he never wants to forget. He wants to keep Hoseok by his side forever.

He almost dies from a heart attack when one day he’s coming back from the kitchen and Hoseok is sitting on his bed, holding his notebook between his hands. He’s just gotten there from work and was waiting for Kihyun there.

“I found this under the pillow.” He says, lifting the notebook.

Kihyun curses in almost two thousand different languages inside his head – he had forgotten to hide the notebook last night, carelessly throwing it under his pillow.

“Did you open it?” he asks, cautiously. He’s scared of what Hoseok might think of him if he sees all the drawings he’s done of him (some of them are a bit rated, Kihyun has to admit he’s dreamed of Hoseok’s body many times).

Hoseok shakes his head.

“I’ve just found it.” His shoulders rise in form of a shrug and Kihyun sighs in relief, quickly retrieving the notebook from the other’s hands. “Why, are you hiding some nudes there?”

Kihyun chokes on his own saliva, coughing a few times.

“ _No_.” he replies, feeling himself getting flustered. “That’s not it. It’s just…an old sketchbook. I’m a bit self-conscious about showing these.”

“I guess that’s understandable.”

Kihyun feels relieved again when Hoseok doesn’t seem to care much about it, he’s soon talking about how Hyungwon told him the other day he met up with someone and turned out it was Minhyuk. How he got Hyungwon’s number, Kihyun still has to find out.

Kihyun’s stomach sinks when Hoseok asks him if he can take a shower – since he’s just gotten back from work and the weather today was nicely warmer, plus the whole climb up through the slope, he’s sweating to death, his shirt has become a puddle and there are droplets down his neck.

It’s not that Hoseok is asking to shower with him in the first place, so he shouldn’t be _this_ nervous. But he is, because it’s Hoseok, being naked in the room next to him and Kihyun can only think of how good his body must actually look underneath the clothes. It’s only getting warmer now so he hasn’t been able to see much besides his arms, sometimes, but he can notice Hoseok’s hard muscles under the thin fabric of the shirts he tends to wear and it’s just so captivating and seductive, Kihyun wants to take all of these off and kiss Hoseok everywhere, brushing his lips against his skin just like he does on a canvas. He wants to worship Hoseok like the masterpiece he is.

He rolls around in his bed, trying to distract himself by watching some videos on his phone and talking to Minhyuk (he had a lot of things to explain about Hyungwon), the sound of the water running making him more nervous as times goes by. It’s a little while after, when Kihyun is almost half asleep on the bed that he hears the glass doors of the shower opening up and his heart almost gets caught in his throat by how hard it seems to jump inside his chest. He thinks he’s broken every single law established in biology – because there is no way a heart beating so fast is even possible.

Then, he almost dies right at the spot when the door is softly pushed away by Hoseok’s leg, his hands busy fixing his messy, damp hair. He’s only wearing a white towel around his waist, covering up to his ankles, but the rest of his body is exposed and _god_ , Kihyun knew he most likely had a good body but not _that_ much.

Hoseok is big – his wide chest, broad shoulders, tummy adorned with sweet abs and his arms were graced by very well-defined muscles as wells. He looked like a Greek god that Kihyun had studied about back at high school, he was well proportioned everywhere.

With his heart thumping in his ears, he notices the tattoos on his body – there’s an explosion of colour and different drawings on his upper right arm, some of them even reaching his shoulder and merging beautifully. There’s another one on his side too, a dragon that crawls up from his hipbone until the underside of his pectoral, almost touching his navel as well. Kihyun feels the sudden urge of tracing his fingers over the abused skin.

Kihyun notices then there is also a piercing on his left nipple and fuck, Kihyun is not strong enough for this.

“You’re drooling.” A devilish, smug smile appears on Hoseok’s face, raising his eyebrows at Kihyun.

He throws his pillow against him, who stumbles back to pick it up on the fly and Kihyun can see the towel hanging loosely on his waist. He prays silently that it doesn’t fall down or he’s gone.

“I forgot I don’t have any spare clothes here but mine are a mess. Mind letting me borrow some of yours? Although they’ll probably be a bit tight for me I think they’ll do.” Hoseok requests, sitting next to Kihyun.

Even the feeling of Hoseok’s weight sinking the mattress is enough to have him feeling dizzy. That and the sweet scent coming from Hoseok – he smells like Kihyun’s shampoo and it’s heart-warming.

He nods, but he doesn’t move. Instead, he’s staring at Hoseok again. Before he can’t even think properly he’s already shifted closer, his leg touching the other’s. He lifts his right hand and traces the tattoo on Hoseok’s arm, his index following the lines until he’s reached the shoulder, lightly brushing his collarbones on the way down to the tattoo on his side. His gaze lands on the piercing his left nipple is crossed by, swallowing down hard at the sight. When he raises his head there’s a look on Hoseok’s face he’s never seen before – his cheeks are flustered and his pupils expanded, heavy with lust. It makes Kihyun feel wanted, desirable, and that encourages him enough to make his next move, straddling on Hoseok’s lap and closing the distance between them.

He doesn’t even hesitate, he just straight up pushes his tongue inside Hoseok and kisses him as if he was about to suck the life out of him. Perhaps he’s interested in sucking other things, as well.

He can’t help but notice the growing hardness under his butt which each movement of their faces to deepen the kiss, and warmth spread through his lower stomach like hot lava, burning him up. He takes his shirt off when the heat is unbearable, throwing it somewhere in the room, and his cheeks turn red when Hoseok shamelessly stares at his exposed skin. He’s far from being like Hoseok, but the older man seemed to be enjoying his view to the fullest, his eyes glimmering as if he was the most beautiful he’s ever seen.

Too embarrassed to be able to keep that situation, Kihyun brings his head closer against Hoseok’s neck, nuzzling and running an experimental tongue along the smooth skin, all the way over his Adam’s apple and Kihyun perceives how he’s swallowing hard at the sensation.

Kihyun wonders if it’s just him or the temperature in his room has risen 10 degrees higher.

A muffled moan leaves Hoseok’s throat when Kihyun does what he has wanted to since he first landed his eyes on hit – he licks around Hoseok’s left nipple, taking the piece of metal between his teeth as he nibbles softly on the sensitive spot. He can feel Hoseok’s moan through his body like electricity through water, and it goes straight to the bulge forming in his pants.

“Ki.” Hoseok says, slightly pushing him away when Kihyun’s hands dangerously roam along his hips. “Ki, if you don’t stop now, I-”

“You what?” Kihyun inquires, teasingly. His lips never really leave Hoseok’s skin.

“I don’t think I will be able to stop.”

“I don’t want you to stop.” Kihyun states, looking at the other’s eyes. He’s been so nervous about everything before but now he just wants for Hoseok to never stop, he wants to drown in each one of his touches and get him undone. “Fuck me, Seokkie.”

That’s what it takes for Hoseok to let out a low, guttural growl before capturing Kihyun’s lip into another fervent kiss, ravishing his lips and Kihyuns knows they’re gonna be swollen and tingling afterwards but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He gasps in surprise when Hoseok turns around and presses his back against the mattress, this time now sitting on his lap. The towel around his waist is on the verge of falling and Kihyun wants to tear it apart with his teeth, so he does, making Hoseok stand on his knees as he pulls the bothersome fabric down. Hoseok’s cock is thick and long, and it stands up proudly against his stomach, tempting Kihyun into doing unholy things.

His hand roam all over the expanse of Hoseok’s huge thighs before he grabs his hard-on by the base, pulling it lower until Kihyun can fit his mouth around it, darting his tongue in slow movements around the head. He feels Hoseok’s whole body tensing under his touch, sharp breaths leaving past his lips with each movement he makes, probably already anticipating his next move. Kihyun puffs his cheeks and lowers his head, taking a bit more of Hoseok’s cock into his mouth each time, the saliva coating it making it much easier for him to slide down the hard member until he can’t anymore. Hoseok moans – loud – when Kihyun makes a humming sound and sends vibrations all over his body, before focusing on the bobbing motion, his tongue is never kept still inside his own mouth. He loves the feeling of Hoseok’s weight on his tongue, loves the feeling of every pulsing artery pumping blood unceasingly and how the older man is coming undone under his touch.

“Ki, please, you need to stop.” Hoseok begs, eyes closed and lips almost torn apart from all the biting.

Kihyun would love to have Hoseok coming in his mouth but he would have to leave that for another day – maybe a second-round later, so he obliges and takes the hard member out of his mouth with a loud, dirty pop sound.

His stomach flips in anticipation when Hoseok jacks off his sweatpants, alongside with his briefs, all meeting the same fate as his long-forgotten shirt.

“I have stuff in the drawer right there.” Kihyun says, pointing at his night when he sees the confusion in Hoseok’s eyes, probably already wondering what the hell they were going to do without that.

“Is there something you want to tell me?” Hoseok chuckles while he opens the drawer and pulls out a bottle of strawberry lube, already opened, and a condom.

“I’m a man who has his own necessities and having you next to me was too much, sometimes.” He confesses, his cheeks burning red. “But I felt like I wasn’t ready yet.”

“Are you now, Kihyunnie? Do you really want this?” Hoseok asks, leaving soft kisses all over Kihyun’s chest while looking at him.

He wonders how Hoseok is even able to ask him such questions when he’s lying on his back – panting and with his cock so hard against his stomach it’s already leaking pre-cum. God, does he want Hoseok to take him right there and fuck him into oblivion.

“I really want to do this with you.” He says, instead. Hoseok does not have to know his wild, inner thoughts just yet.

“Good.” A shy smile that makes him look ten times cuter spread across Hoseok’s lips and Kihyun’s heart skips a beat not for the very first time. There’s a feeling whenever he looks at Hoseok that set downs on his chest, somewhere under his ribcage, right next to his heart, that leaves him out of breath every time. “Because I want to do this with you too.”

Then Hoseok is all over him – his lips burning everywhere they touch as he trails down his body, from his collarbones till his nipples, turning Kihyun into a trembling mess, and then down his navel and hipbones. Kihyun’s breath gets caught in his throat when Hoseok sucks hard on the skin of his hipbone, leaving a hickey, and he didn’t know he could be so affected by just that.

Hoseok grabs the lube thrown in the mattress next to Kihyun’s arm and pours down a huge, decent amount over his fingers, slowly rubbing his entrance while leaving kisses all over his inner thighs. Kihyun discovers he’s extremely sensitive down there, because one brush of Hoseok’s mouth against his skin and he’s turning into a moaning mess, trying to muffle them down with his hand, but Hoseok _notices_. He tortures Kihyun thoroughly, distracting him enough to push one finger inside without him squirming too much. The sensation is weird but it doesn’t hurt – Kihyun has experimented sometime before with himself, but he never went further than two fingers, so when Hoseok is already inserting the third one a few minutes later he’s hissing in mid pain, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths.

“I’m going to make you feel good.” Hoseok reassures him, pulling him into another kiss and Kihyun completely loses himself over it, so much that when he’s back to the reality the sensations hitting at him are way stronger, and waves of pleasure wash over him as Hoseok brushes his prostate with his fingers, carefully pushing them in and out.

“Hoseok please.” He whimpers, grabbing onto the sheets so hard his knuckles have turned white. He can’t take this any longer, his member is painfully asking for attention, twitching and leaking, and he can feel the warmth sensation slowly building up inside his stomach.

“Yes?” Hoseok asks, tugging lightly at the skin of his balls with his lips.

“Please, I-I need you inside me so bad.”

Hoseok hums in approbation of his words and he tears the plastic of the condom apart with his teeth, smoothly rolling it down his cock and pouring a ridiculous amount of lube over it. Then, he aligns himself against Kihyun’s entrance, rubbing the head first before bucking his hips in slow motion, pushing the tip inside. It hurts, the burning sensation shocking Kihyun and he hisses.

“Don’t stop.” He says, quickly before Hoseok decides to stop, although he’s gritting his teeth.

“I’m sorry, Kihyunnie.” Hoseok whispers, leaning over to press kisses along the curvature of his neck. “I promise you I’m going to make you feel so, so good.”

Kihyun trusts Hoseok, so he just bears the stinging pain, which starts to fade seconds after Hoseok has pushed his cock completely inside him. After a few deep breaths, he orders the older man to move, pushing his hips backwards until he’s almost out of him and then pushing back, slow at first then harder each time, until Kihyun has become a mess of moans and he begs for Hoseok to fuck him harder, rougher.

The wet, filthy sounds fill up the room, sometimes muffled by their own moans. Kihyun discovers Hoseok is loud, he loves to scream and moan Kihyun’s name everytime he bucks his hips and buries himself completely inside of him, hitting straight at his prostate each time and sends Kihyun into such a state of pleasure and bliss he thinks he has died and entered the gates of heaven instead.

The burning sensation in his stomach is back at full force and Hoseok seems to notice, because he spits on his palm and grabs his neglected member, pumping it with the same hectic pace he’s fucking him and Kihyun is long gone – he’s coming all over his stomach; thick, white ropes fall on his skin and some land on Hoseok’s chest too.

He notices Hoseok closing his eyes and his moan becoming more high-pitched, so, even though he’s exhausted, he throws his arms around his neck and pulls him into a kiss, clenching his hole around the other’s member to intensify the tight sensation.

“Come for me baby.” He says, whispering against his lips, and Hoseok obliges, as if following his order, his whole body tensing and his thrusts becoming weaker as the orgasm hits him.

He falls on top of him, sucking desperately for air as his body lies flat against his own. He’s probably as mind-blown as he is.

“God, I feel as if I could pass out at any moment.” Hoseok says, still out of breath. The dark strands of his hair tickle Kihyun’s cheek.

“Me too.” Kihyun agrees, his eyes already closing with exhaustion. “Can you stay over tonight?”

He feels Hoseok nodding against his body before he falls asleep. He’s going to have to leave the second-round for another time.

 

*****

 

 With finals approaching, Kihyun has to spend extra time in college, working on an insanely huge amount of projects and studying at the library with Minhyuk. Even though he rather study at home, alone, sometimes with Minhyuk it was better, because despite being loud and noisy, that kid is smart as fuck, so Kihyun is leaning on him maybe a bit more than he should.

“Kihyun, I’ve explained that part like, 5 times already. Are you usually this dense or are you just distracted?” Minhyuk whispers, exasperation colouring his words.

“I am not dense nor distracted.” Kihyun replies, whispering too. The truth is, he might be a bit dense. And maybe distracted too, but Minhyuk doesn’t need to know. “It’s just hard.”

“No, it’s not. Are you sure you’re not distracted thinking about _other_ hard things?”

Kihyun chokes on his spit and kicks Minhyuk’s shin with the tip of his shoe, earning a loud whimp from the other.

“Ask your little boyfriend to explain it to you because I’m done with you!” Minhyuk exclaims, ignoring how everyone is eyeing them for being too loud, even if they’re whispering.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Kihyun frowns and looks around, scared someone might have heard him. “And please, I’m asking you for a favour, all I’ve done for you these years and this is how you repay me?”

“We’ve known each other for 10 months and I already regret every second of it.” Minhyuk sighs, his eyes rolling at Kihyun. “I swear to god if you don’t get it after this time, I will-”

“I will, I promise.”

Only that he doesn’t. Twenty minutes later Minhyuk has already called it a day and they’re both leaving the building. Albeit it’s already 9 p.m, the weather is still warm and humid, Kihyun wonders if he’ll be able to get some sleep when he gets home – when it was so hot he usually wasn’t able to rest at all.

They’re almost next to the road when a group of people approach him. Kihyun knows them – they’re in the same class as him, but they’re mostly only friends with Minhyuk.

After greeting each other, they enrol on a conversation which Kihyun ends up being dragged into, the guys are all gummy smiles and failed attempts of being witty, Kihyun notices they try hard to impress Minhyuk, as if he’s some kind of divinity they have to look up to. He gets so focused into a conversation he’s having with one about Baroque style that he doesn’t notice the buzzing of his phone inside his pocket.

“Doesn’t your boy come to get you from school today?” The question is directed at him, Kihyun notices when all eyes are suddenly on him. He feels sick out of sudden, his stomach becoming a bundle of nerves and the bile appears on his throat. “With his motorbike.”

“Yeah, we’ve seen him around sometimes, either bringing or picking Kihyun from college. Are you with him?”

He wants to disappear, right there. Memories from people at high school – laughing at him, calling him names, drawing those names all over his table and notebook – pop up in his mind.

Kihyun notices Minhyuk opening his mouth to say something, probably ‘fuck off’ and ‘mind your own business’, but he speaks first.

“What? I’m not into men” he says, forcing out a dry laugh. His throat hurts and his voice doesn’t come as steady as he’s intended to. Fuck, he’s even trembling, hiding his hands inside the pockets of his pants, hoping no one has noticed. “And even less into a punk like that boy. He just lives next door and his motorbike is useful sometimes.”

The last thing Kihyun has expected to hear at that moment is the sound of combat boots he’s very much used to. With his heart almost crushed, he turns around to see Hoseok, with the hardest expression he’s even seen on his face. He looks angry, sad and disappointed. Kihyun wants to die.

“He’s right, he’s not into men.” Hoseok says and Kihyun closes his eyes, praying he shuts up. He can’t stand the hurt in his voice. “But he’s got one thing wrong though. It’s this punk here who wouldn’t spare a glance at a wuss like him.”

With that he’s leaving, his motorbike strikes harsher than ever, the sound making Kihyun’s ear ring in discomfort. He stares at him until his back is no more than a spot in the distance.

He hears Minhyuk talking but he’s not listening. Suddenly the people surrounding them have left and he’s inside Minhyuk’s car, sobbing his heart out.

 

Minhyuk offers him to spend the night at his house but Kihyun refuses, asking instead for him to drop him at his own. He wants to be alone, he deserves it.

With a resigned sigh and worried look, Minhyuk does as ordered, not without before making sure Kihyun promises him he’s going to text him from time to time and making sure Kihyun knows he’s just a phone call away. Minhyuk might been annoying as hell sometimes but he surely was the sweetest, most caring friend Kihyun has ever had. He doesn’t deserve him either.

So he tells him, and Minhyuk laughs at him and says he’s just spurting out nonsense because he’s sad. Kihyun doesn’t think it’s nonsense, but he doesn’t have strength to argue either.

Slumping dead on his mattress – which smells like Hoseok, the tears gather back on his eyes, making him cry out for some more time, until his throat is dry and he’s probably a wrinkled raisin by now, almost dehydrated.

His mind is yelling at him to go outside and look for Hoseok, but he knows it’s going to be futile; he doesn’t know where to look. The only thing remaining for him to do is wait until the next day and try his luck at the café, hoping Hoseok wouldn’t skip.

He falls asleep after drinking a couple of glasses of water and crying some more, ignoring the soft growls his stomach is making.

 

The next morning Hoseok is not at the café. Neither is he the second, and Kihyun almost gives up when he’s the third. His heart starts beating unusually at the sight of him, not really having expected him to be there.

He doesn’t let Hoseok see him. Instead, he just waits. He waits and waits, until it’s late in the evening – the sun has already set – and Hoseok leaves his workplace through the back door, the café uniform still on him.

“Hoseok.” He says, with choked voice.

The older man is startled, but only for a brief second before his whole body goes tense. The lines on his face are hard too and the mere sight tugs at Kihyun’s heart, already feeling the muffled sobs on the back of his throat.

“Fuck you.” That’s all he says, turning around to leave. Kihyun tries to grab his arm to stop him and Hoseok flinches away as if he’s just been burned.

“Hoseok, please, let me explain-”

“There’s nothing to explain, _princess_.” Kihyun stiffs at the sudden use of his old nickname again, but this time Hoseok is using it with so much disgust in his tone that Kihyun can’t hold back the tears.

“Please.”

 “I don’t give a shit if you don’t want to tell your little college friends that you like getting banged by other guys. That’s okay, I guess, it’s your life after all. But you said even if you did like guys you wouldn’t even give a chance to a punk? Like me, if I’m not wrong.” Hoseok’s is livid by now, the veins in his neck throbbing with each word.

“I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“Oh, weren’t you? I thought you weren’t into men.” He scoffs, his hands turning into a fist.

“That was a lie.” Kihyun replies, his voice low and choked with the tears. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

“No fucking way, Sherlock.” Hoseok laughs dryly. “Kihyun, we’ve fucked. I think I would know.”

“I am so sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“I don’t care whether you’re sorry or not Kihyun, that fucking _hurt_.” Hoseok’s eyes get teary too when he’s saying those words and Kihyun feels a sting of pain in his chest that he’s never felt before. “I went to pick you up from college to go grab some dinner because you’ve been overworking yourself a lot these days and I wanted to make it up to you. Because I’m that stupid.”

Kihyun opens his mouth a few times, like a fish, trying to say something, but the words don’t come out. There’s nothing he can say to fix this situation.

“Don’t ever talk to me again.” Hoseok says, stepping back. “I fucking hate you.”

 

Kihyun doesn’t leave his house the following days. He barely leaves his bed too, except for going to the toilet and sometimes eating a snack, his stomach complaining after two or three bags from such unhealthy feeding, but he doesn’t feel hungry. He just feels numb.

He also ignores Minhyuk’s texts and calls, until he’s showing up on his door and Kihyun has to leave the comfort of his bed to open the door.

There’s Minhyuk scolding him, for not having answered him and a few things more that Kihyun doesn’t pay attention to. He also calls him out for having his apartment stink as if something was rotting inside. That’s probably his heart. Also the fact that he hasn’t showered in days.

Minhyuk throws him into the shower and tries to knock some sense into his head.

“Kihyun, seriously, what the hell.” He says once he’s out and clean. “I know this whole situation is pretty much fucked up but you can’t just do this. You can’t let yourself die here. We’ve got finals around the corner, Kihyun.”

“I don’t care.” He replies. He should, honestly, but he’s unable to sit down in front of his desk and open a book. Everything reminds him of Hoseok and remembering how much he’s hurt him is haunting him. He never thought someone could experience such pain, his heart seemed to be burning inside his chest and he wanted to tear it out.

“Kihyun, please.” Suddenly his voice has become softer and Kihyun wonders if it’s out of pity. “I’ll help you. I’ll move here for a few days if you want me to. Just, don’t give up like this, please? You’re so talented and have a bright future ahead of you and I know it’s hard and seems impossible but _please_. After we are done I will let you drown in your misery all you want for the summer vacations but please, don’t throw away all of your efforts like this. Hoseok wouldn’t want that either, no matter how hurt he is right now.”

The words, although intended to comfort him, only make Kihyun cry out again, and Minhyuk sighs before embracing him into a tight hug, until Kihyun’s body stops shaking and the tears won’t come out anymore.

He lets Minhyuk sleep over that night, both of them easily fitting into the small bed. Kihyun might be thin, but Minhyuk is exactly just like him.

Minhyuk is already sleeping – and snoring – next to him when Kihyun’s hand brushes something on the floor. He retracts it quickly, afraid it’d be some really big and disgusting bug, but his eyes land on his old notebook.

When he opens it, the dim moonlight coming through his window blind enough for him to be able to see a bit, he takes a look at all the drawings and doodles he’s done of Hoseok, since the first one to the latest, that one being a day before the whole mess happened.

He’s putting it back on the floor, with warm tears rolling down his cheeks, when something clicks inside his mind.

He’s got an idea and – if it works out – Hoseok _might_ forgive him.

But he needed all the courage in the entire world.

 

*****

Three days later, however, after a lot of consideration and pondering, Kihyun is on the verge of giving up. To put it into other words, he’s freaked out. Chickened out.

It all seemed very easy and simple to do at first, but it wasn’t. He freezes in place everytime the idea of doing such thing appears in his mind. He’s not strong enough, he doesn’t have the guts for that.

But later on these same days, at nights when he’s lying alone on the quietness of his room, staring at the ceiling and pining for Hoseok, with Minhyuk sleeping besides him, he thinks the older man is worth everything. He’s worth more than his pride and definitely more than whatever gossip goes around of them. More than whatever other people think of him. This time, he won't end up pent in the locker room again, bruised and hot tears running down his cheeks, while the football team yells at him from outside, saying a faggot like him should just die there.

The memories bring a ranging ache to his chest and he can’t breathe suddenly, suffocated with his own sobs.

He feels Minhyuk’s body moving closer, until he’s embracing Kihyun again. He cries into his shoulder again, guilt washing over him as he has woken his friend up.

“I’m sorry.” He utters, his voice breaking at the end. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s okay, Kihyun.” Minhyuk replies, still sleepy, but his attention is fully on Kihyun. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I’m scared.” He admits, taking a deep breath. “I’m so scared, Minhyuk.”

“What is there to be so scared of?” Minhyuk’s slender fingers caress his cheeks in circles, trying to reassure him.

“I’m scared of people hurting me again. I-, in high school, I got yelled and called names, sometimes they would go further if they thought I was looking at them, even when I wasn’t.” Kihyun cries out. “My mother wouldn’t want me to change schools because that would mean what they were saying was true.”

“Kihyun…”

“I lied to her saying I was taking sciences in high school instead of arts. When I finished, I had already saved up enough money for my part-time jobs and the paintings I was selling to be able to rent this place, although I still have to.”

“You never told me about this, Kihyun.” He notices Minhyuk is trying hard to repress his own tears. “I am so sorry you had to go through that, nothing I can say or do will mend it, but I do hope you know that this is not high school anymore. You’ve got me – and Hoseok – and Kihyun, you will never have to go through that again. If someone tells you something you just need to call me and I’m going to be right there, snapping their necks. I mean it.”

Kihyun manages to chuckle through his tears, but Minhyuk’s words only make him cry harder. There are feelings on his chest and stomach he’s not sure where to place at.

“Does Hoseok know about this, though?” Minhyuk asks a few seconds later, his hand never leaving Kihyun’s cheek. He shakes his head. “I’m sure he would understand if you told him.”

“Minhyuk, he hates me.” Kihyun’s feels another tug in his heart. He’s not sure how much more he’s going to be able to take. “It’s not that I said I don’t like men, it’s how I referred to him.”

“You went overboard there, I must admit it.” Minhyuk sighs, rubbing his eyes. “But I’m sure Hoseok will understand. He loves you.”

“He doesn’t-”

“Believe me, he does. And I think I would know about that because I’m banging his best friend.” Minhyuk adds, making Kihyun chuckle.

“You still haven’t told me how you ended with that Hyungwon guy.”

“Oh, that’s a long story that you will hear another day, because I’m seriously falling asleep again.” Minhyuk, instead of going back to his previous position, just snuggles closer against Kihyun. “Let’s just say it was love at first sight, him being all drunk and passing out was so hot.”

“And I thought I was the one with weird kinks.” Kihyun laughs.

“You’d be surprised.”

The last thought on Kihyun’s head before he nods off is that they won’t hurt him again, not this time. This time he’s got Minhyuk (and Hoseok, hopefully), and he’s going to be safe.

 

He tells Minhyuk the next morning about his plan for getting Hoseok back. Needless to say, Minhyuk almost chokes on his coffee, coughing a few times.

“Are you sure?” he asks, at least a thousand times. It’s not that he thinks it’s a bad idea actually, but more like he’s not sure whether Kihyun is going to be able to carry it out. When he nods, also for the nth time, Minhyuk gives him a concerned look. “I’m going to be there supporting you, of course. I just want to know if I should have the ambulance number on hand in case you pass out.”

“I won’t.” Kihyun takes a bite of the cookie he’s holding. “I feel better after talking to you last night. I think I can make it.”

“I’m proud of you, Ki.” Minhyuk smiles at him. Kihyun’s heart swells because he means it; the smile reaches his eyes and he can even see his gums.

His smile fades considerably when Kihyun keeps talking.

“So I’m gonna need your help…” he says, his index fingers bumping each other as he pouts. “Would you convince Hyungwon into bringing Hoseok? He will have to lie, obviously, but you know it’s for the best!”

“You want me to persuade the guy I’m fucking into tricking his best friend to see his despicable ex?”

“Yes.” Kihyun bats his lashes at him a few times, trying to come off as adorable. “Pretty please?”

“You better not fuck up, Ki, or I’m ending you.” Minhyuk sighs into his coffee, defeated.

 

*****

Kihyun has lied: he’s not prepared, not in the slightest bit. His stomach is doing flip flops inside his body and his heart is somewhere between a cardiac arrest and a ventricular arrhythmia as he eyes all the people that have gathered in the theatre. A _really_ bad idea.

It’s his final exposition for his painting classes, the three students with the best grades get to showcase their paintings in front of the whole college. Kihyun happens to be one of them and he stares at all the paintings canvas he’s scattered all over the stage, different sizes and drawings on them, with Minhyuk’s help. There’s his laptop connected to a screen too, all the pictures he’s taken of his old notebook in display there.

His teacher had seemed surprised while seeing his choice for the exhibition – with her eyebrow raised an all, but she complimented Kihyun’s skills thoroughly, saying she was a fan of his.

“Hyungwon’s here.” Minhyuk says, showing up at the room that they use as backstage. “He’s brought Hoseok.”

“Fuck.” Kihyun curses under his breath. He can’t calm down. “Fuck, Minhyuk, I don’t think I can do this.”

“You can do it, Ki.” Minhyuk lies his big hands over his shoulders, shaking him lightly. “I’m gonna be right here with you.”

“I’m still scared.” He whispers, so soft he’s not sure Minhyuk has heard him.

“I know, and I’m so proud of you.” Minhyuk gives him a tight hug before rubbing his indexes underneath Kihyun’s eyes, wiping away the forming tears. “No one can hurt you now, Ki, you’re not alone anymore.”

He takes a deep breath while nodding. He also makes a mental note of treating Minhyuk to pizza for at least a whole year.

His whole body turns into panic mode when the curtains open. The flashlights are too bright and he has to blink a few times, squinting in an attempt to see the crowd in front of him. The seats are full of his classmates, parents and siblings. He swallows hard, scanning quickly, seeking for _someone_. It’s not hard to spot Hyungwon with how tall he is, and Hoseok is right next to him, the look on his face is priceless and Kihyun would laugh if he weren’t on the verge of passing out. They’re standing on the left, close to the stage, and Minhyuk gives him the thumbs up, smiling. Hyungwon smiles at him, too.

He grabs the mic his teacher is handing him and starts talking. Or he thinks he starts talking, because he can only hear his heart thumping and feel Hoseok’s stare on him. God knows how Hyungwon managed to trick him into the exhibition, but he looks dumbfounded and his eyes keep moving from left to right, staring at all the paintings on stage.

Oh, well.

“Hello everyone, my name is Yoo Kihyun, I’m a first-year student and this is my final project. I’ve been working on it for almost the whole year.” He takes a deep breath. “It’s a story, even though it seems as if they’re all about the same person, there’s a story behind each one of them.”

He presses the right button of his laptop, the pictures of the doodles he made in his notebook showing in the screen behind. He would laugh if his throat wasn’t as dry as the Sahara Desert.

“The first are called ‘’the beginning’’. As you can see, all the colours are dark and angry, I _really_ disliked that person back then.” He can hear laughs from the crowd at his words, and he gathers courage to keep going. “He was beautiful, but he was nerve-wracking. I drew all of that.”

He clicks again on the keyboard, the next set of pictures popping up with some extravagant screen effect Minhyuk insisted in using.

“Those are different. I started discovering new things about him each day that didn’t seem to be as bad as I previously thought. We fought a lot but still, something about him kept me up at nights, drawing these. My mind was overflown with ideas, I guess you could say I had found my muse.” He moves from the laptop towards the canvas standing on stage. “This one is made of watercolours. It’s called ‘’Chasing Fire’’. Back then, I felt like I was walking on quicksand. I didn’t know what I was doing but I felt as if I would end up burning myself at any time. I was amazed and wonderstruck at him, because he was just – beautiful and sweet and all those things you read in fairy tales.”

He takes another deep breath, eyes focused on his own drawings. If he looked at the crowd now he wouldn’t be able to keep on going.

“The next drawing is called ‘Adrenaline’. This is a bit more personal, but I thought I should just go all the way and show you the entire collection, even if afterwards I’m probably going to drown myself in the shower.” Another set of laughs fill up the theatre and his voice is trembling. “I used a black pen for this one. At this point I was completely head over heels, but he was so mean he wouldn’t even spare me a glance, or so I thought. My whole body became adrenaline whenever I saw him.”

 “The second to last is called ‘Sorrow’.” He bites down his lower lip. “I messed up really bad that day. I hurt the person I loved the most, sorry Minhyuk, it’s not you.” Everyone laughs at him and he hears Minhyuk yelling ‘’it’s okay!’’ from the crowd. He chuckles too, trying to swallow the lump on his throat. He’s still unable to look at Hoseok. “It’s all blue and dark in this, I honestly get sad just by looking at it.”

“The last one is called ‘Fear’.” He moves the mic from one hand to another, nervously. “It’s a mix of things, just like how I felt – feel. I was scared of many things because I’ve been hurt before, but instead of letting myself heal I just hurt someone important for me. I spent days overthinking and drowning in self-pity.” Gathering all the courage he doesn’t have, he finally looks at Hoseok. His face is red and his eyes puffy and the wet traces of tears in his face make Kihyun’s heart ache. He places next to the remaining canvas, a white, virgin one. “But it doesn’t have to be the last. I’d like for that person to know that he’s the reason behind each single one of those and that if he lets me in again, he will be the reason behind many more. I want this one to be called ‘Anew’, if he wants.” He bows deeply, quickly wiping away his tears, hoping no one noticed. “That’s all, thank you to everyone who came.”

Everyone starts clapping and getting up from their seats, the loud applauses filling Kihyun’s ears.

He has come out in front of the whole college and they’re clapping and cheering for him.

He’s glad the curtains are closed again because he’s no longer able to maintain the stoic face anymore and a choked sob erupts from his throat.

As opportune as ever, Minhyuk is throwing his arms around his neck and pulling him into a hug that Kihyun needs more than ever. He’s trembling, but he feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off from his shoulders.

“I swear I know I’ve said this before but Ki, I’m so proud my heart is about to explode.” He laughs, seeing how Minhyuk is also teary and mushy. “The teacher was delighted and everyone in the crowd loved it. You’ve done a great job.”

“Thanks, Min.” he says, but freezes in place when he sees Hyungwon walk in from above Minhyuk’s shoulder. He’s followed by Hoseok.

“Congratulations, Kihyun.” He says, smiling. He’s really handsome when he’s not wasted and wrecked. “That was amazing.”

He thanks Hyungwon, but his smile soon fades when Minhyuk is grabbing his hand and dragging both of them outside, leaving him and Hoseok alone.

An awkward silence falls between them. Kihyun just prays for the floor to open and swallow him whole so he can disappear.

“I don’t know what to say.” Hoseok is the one to break the silence. “I came here because Hyungwon said a friend of his was participating in a dance competition and he didn’t want to come alone.”

“I’m sorry, I asked Minhyuk to convince Hyungwon to bring you.”

“I figured that.” Hoseok swings in his heels. “That…I-I really _liked_ it.”

“Thank you.” Kihyun chews the inside of his mouth, his hands are sweating and his heart beating loud. “I hope you know I was talking about you.”

“I figured that too.” Hoseok lets out a humourless chuckle. “Kihyun…”

“Listen, Hoseok, I am so, so sorry, you can’t even imagine. I was scared and said those things thoughtlessly and hurt you and I will never forgive myself for that.” He starts rambling, his lungs scream for air, but he doesn’t mind. “I just want you to know that whatever I said it’s not true and that you are the most important person to me. I want to make it up for you, if you let me, and-”

He’s interrupted by Hoseok pushing him against the nearest wall and kissing him, hard yet so soft it has Kihyun’s heart swelling.

“I forgive you, Kihyunnie.” Hoseok says, breathing against his lips. “I’m sorry I said I hate you that day, I-I don’t hate you, not even close.”

“You should.” Kihyun replies, feeling his eyes watering and he has to blink a few times. “I said those horrible things and you deserve so much better.”

“You’re the only one I want, though. I don’t think it can get any better than that.” Hoseok kisses him again, this time sweetly and caring, cupping Kihyun’s cheeks to deepen it. When they part, Kihyun’s dies at the smile Hoseok is giving him. He’s sure he’s going to hear in the news the next day about how the sun has been found jobless after that.

Hoseok helps him pack all his stuff back in the boxes he’s brought in Minhyuk’s car. He teases Kihyun a lot about the drawings - even more about the rated +18, and Kihyun wants to die again. He has probably lost around 10 years of his lifespan these weeks.

When they get home after that, Kihyun doesn’t even let Hoseok close the door after him and take off his shoes before he’s throwing him into the mattress, straddling him with his legs.

Kihyun kisses Hoseok with all he’s got to offer – he kisses his moles, every curve and every fold, he kisses every protruding bone and muscle, dragging his teeth and scratching the smooth skin. He sucks harder on Hoseok’s hipbone, until the skin turns a mix of red and purple and a hickey blossoms. Kihyun decides he likes seeing those colours in Hoseok when he’s the one causing them.

They get undressed in a matter of seconds – their clothes scattered unceremoniously over the floor, and Kihyun places himself between Hoseok’s legs. He kisses the vast expanse of his thighs, so huge they could crush Kihyun at any second, but Hoseok is lying on his back, squirming and whimpering under his touch whenever Kihyun decides to press his lips against them, and the sight is just so pretty, so gorgeous.

He takes his sweet time in turning the man underneath him into a moaning mess, and when he decides to be thoughtful and take _proper_ care of him, his cock is already so hard and twitching against his stomach, leaking pre-cum. He grabs his balls between his hands, tugging lightly at the skin and he just _feels_ how the skin tenses and Kihyun knows Hoseok is already so close just by all the manoeuvring he’s had with him. The thought goes straight to his own cock and he gets impatient – he wants to fuck Hoseok and make him scream his name, he wants to make Hoseok feel so, so good. He wants to let Hoseok know how much he cares.

He opens the first drawer of his night stand and pulls out a half-used bottle of lube (a heat one, Hoseok had _insisted_ ) and a condom, that he throws next to Hoseok’s body before he’s back in between his legs. This time, he doesn’t hesitate, and is soon engulfing Hoseok’s cock, taking the hard shaft inside his mouth as he motions his head up and down, hollowing his cheeks to take more. He gags but it’s bearable, so he tries to go further and take more, until the tip touches the back of his throat and god – he feels full and there are tears in his eyes but Hoseok is just moaning so beautifully, begging for him to have mercy and be gentle or he’s going to come, and Kihyun feels hot waves of arousal spreading through his stomach.

He preps Hoseok tenderly, the first finger, completely soaked in sticky lube, goes past the rim of muscles smoothly. He knows it’s uncomfortable, so he waits before pushing a second one, scissoring them inside Hoseok to stretch him out nicely for him.

“You look so good like this.” Kihyun says, running his tongue along Hoseok’s now neglected cock.

“Ki, _please_.” Hoseok sobs, his legs trembling with each thrust of Kihyun’s fingers inside him. “Please, I can’t take it any longer.”

Kihyun chuckles, lips still pressed against his cock, but the truth is, he’s just as eager as him. His own hard cock is so hard that it hurts and the thought of being buried inside of Hoseok is enough to almost make him come right there.

He speeds up his actions, fucking Hoseok rougher with his fingers – this time it’s three of them – and he rolls on the condom afterwards, pouring an almost ridiculous amount of lube over it and over Hoseok’s entrance, making him shiver at the sudden coldness of the substance.

He aligns himself against Hoseok, holding him down against the mattress and kisses him – he wants Hoseok to only focus on his lips before he’s pushing the tip inside. Hoseok’s body goes tense at the sudden intrusion, the pain of being stretched so widely in comparison making him close his eyes and whine, but then Kihyun is completely inside him, thrusting into him so gently and fondly that he can’t even register the pain any longer.

Kihyun moans when he’s buried inside Hoseok, the tight, hot sensation surrounding him is too much to handle. He takes a deep breath before he starts bucking his hips, slowly at first, then harder when Hoseok is moaning his name and begging for him to fuck him, to fuck him _hard_.

His head spins around with each thrust, everything around him feels dizzy and there are waves of liquid pleasure building up in his stomach. He’s so, so close.

“I’m going to come.” He cries, closing his eyes, and Hoseok pulls him into a kiss, bucking his hips at the same pace as him and it’s just all too much and it feels so good. He comes inside Hoseok with a choked moan, and he notices Hoseok coming as well – between his stomachs and untouched, only by Kihyun fucking him and god – he would be hard again if he wasn’t so worn out.

He falls on top of Hoseok, breathing erratically and sweat dripping down his whole body. He’s exhausted yet in a state of pure bliss, and by the look on Hoseok’s face, he’s probably like that as well.

Later on, when they’ve both cleaned up and his hands and fingers are intertwined, Hoseok shifts around to rest his weight on his right arm and looks at him.

“Ki.” He says, and he’s so serious that Kihyun is scared, but the tremble of his lower lip and how his feet keep rubbing each other showcase he’s just really nervous.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, worried.

“I know this might be a bit out of sudden, but...” Hoseok bites his lower lip. God, why is he _so_ attractive. “Do you want to go out with me?”

Kihyun’s breath gets caught in his throat. Is he…

“As in…”

“As in – if you want to be my boyfriend?”

Kihyun feels every organ he’s got starting to do back flips. _Oh, well._

“Yes.” He says, and it comes out as rather choked. He’s trying hard to suppress the tears, it’s been a really long day. “ _Yes_.”

When he falls asleep, nuzzling Hoseok’s neck and snuggling against his chest, he feels all the fear he’s ever felt before disappearing from his body. He’s got nothing to worry about when Hoseok is next to him.

 

*****

 

“Ki, are you sure about this?”

Hoseok’s hands are resting on his hips, rubbing circles with his thumbs over the thin fabric of Kihyun’s shirt. He’s been trying to reassure him the whole way there.

“I am.” That’s a blatant lie and they both know it. He’s not sure, at all. He’s so nervous his legs are wobbly and his stomach flips every so often, as if he was on a rollercoaster.

“Liar.” Hoseok replies, voice soft and leaving pecks all over his face. “But I’m gonna be with you all the time.”

“I know.” He takes a deep breath. “Thank you.”

He hesitates before knocking on door. There are cracks on the door frame and a damp smell that seems too familiar for Kihyun. The building is too old.

The door doesn’t open right away – they hear someone’s steps inside, the sound of doors being opened and closed and dishes put together before it opens.

“Hi, mom.”

His mother eyes widen in surprise and she covers her mouth, tears prickling at her eyes. For a moment, Kihyun feels guilty. He feels guilty for having ignored all of her messages and calls for a whole year, she couldn’t even visit because he didn’t tell her where he was moving. He just left.

“Kiki.” She says, voice broken and trembling. He wonders if he went too far. “You’re back.”

They walk inside after that, Kihyun is fully aware of his mother’s gaze on Hoseok and how he probably rather be anywhere but there right now.

“Mom, this is Hoseok.” He bites his lower lip, swallowing down the lump on his throat. “He’s…he’s my boyfriend.”

He sees the spark of disappointment in his mother eyes, how her face switches from mild curiosity to discomfort. She hasn’t changed one little bit and the thought breaks Kihyun’s heart in pieces.

“So you really decided to follow this lifestyle after all.” She spits, sharp and cold.

“It’s not a _lifestyle_ , mom, it’s the person I love. If you really cared about me you wouldn’t mind about whoever I love.” Exasperation, anger, deception, spills out from each word he says.

“I just want the best for you son.” His mom turns around to look at him, as if she was stating the obvious.

“And what is the best for me, according to you?” he asks, fully knowing the answer. They’ve had this conversation many times before.

“Not this, of course.” She says, pointing at Hoseok from head to toe. It makes Kihyun’s blood boil. “A nice, pretty woman to get married with and have beautiful kids while you study whatever sciences major you have decided to pursue. Medicine, for example.”

“I’m majoring in arts, mom. I didn’t take sciences in high school.” He says, revealing the truth for the very first time.

His mother’s skin turns ten shades paler and her eyes are open wide, jaw almost touching the floor.

“Excuse me? You’re _what_?” she asks, as if she couldn’t believe what her ears were hearing.

“I’m an arts student and I’m gay, mom, congratulations, you’ve won the lottery.” He replies, all his anger turning into complete exhaustion. “Don’t call me or text me ever again unless you change your mind.”

“I will never change my mind about this.” She answers, as cold as the ice. Kihyun feels as if there were a thousand shards stuck on his heart. “No wonder your father left, you’re a disgrace.”

Hoseok, who has been silent all the time, intervenes right then. Kihyun has never seen him so angry before, not even when they fought. There is a fire in his eyes that ignites something unknown inside Kihyun. It’s obviously not the proper situation, but he finds Hoseok hot.

“Excuse me, Ms. Yoo, but I’ve known your son for less than a year and I can pretty much guarantee that his father leaving was probably utterly your fault.”

His mother wheezes, derision all over her face. He wants to tell Hoseok to stop, because his mother is a lost cause and it won’t change anything, but he’s also eager to hear what he’s going to say. His boyfriend defending him over his homophobic, abusive mother is something he doesn’t get to see every day.

“This is none of your business, kid, get out of my house.” She says, her right hand pointing at the door.

“Your son is _my_ business, Ms. Yoo.” He ignores her words. “And he’s the smartest, most talented and hard-working person I’ve ever met. Sure, he’s a bit irksome at times and maybe too much of a perfectionist, but I’ve never seen someone so devoted and passionate with what he does before. Your son is a gem and I’m really sorry that you can’t appreciate him, but gladly there are people who do. I will make sure he doesn’t even remember your name, because you don’t deserve him.”

Kihyun blinks a few times at Hoseok, staring in awe. God, is he in love.

“Get out of my house.” She repeats, this time looking at Kihyun. There are tears in her eyes again. “You have disappointed me so much, Kiki.”

“So have you, mother.” He replies, grabbing Hoseok’s hand and storming out of there as soon as possible.

He doesn’t realize he’s been crying all the way from his house – no, his _mother’s_ house, till they reach Hoseok’s motorbike and he’s pulling him into a tight hug, wiping away the tears with his thumbs. He’s cupping his face so tenderly that it makes Kihyun cry more. He grabs his shirt, hands turned into a fist and knuckles almost white, as he pours his heart out, sobbing and trembling in the older’s embrace. Even if his heart is hurt and there’s a raging pain in his chest from his mother’s rejection, he feels safe. Hoseok feels like home.

“I’m sorry, Ki.” He whispers, leaving a trail of kisses along his neck. “You don’t deserve any of that.”

“It’s always been like this.” He replies, once he’s calmed down. He massages his temples, the veins throbbing and his head aching from all the crying, but he feels, somehow, at ease. “She’s been like this since I was in high-school. I thought she might have changed now that she didn’t hear of me for almost a year, that she reconsidered things, but I guess that will never happen.”

“You’re so much better than that, I hope you know what whatever she said-”

“I know.” Kihyun interrupts him. He’s sitting on the motorbike and Hoseok is standing between his legs. He pulls him into a kiss. “Thank you for being with me.”

“Anytime.” Hoseok smiles against his lips, and Kihyun’s heart aches again, this time in all the right places. “Are you up for something new tonight?”

Kihyun raises his eyebrows at him.

“As long as we don’t end up in jail.”

“That I can’t promise.” Hoseok laugh, amused at the horrified look on Kihyun’s face. “Do you trust me?”

Grumbling between his teeth, Kihyun nods.

 

 

*****

 

Kihyun stares in disbelief as Hoseok offers him a graffiti can.

After leaving his mother’s house, Hoseok drove them to Kihyun’s house and told him to wait while he picked up some stuff. He came back a few minutes later, with a plastic bag on his right hand and two face masks on the other. He offered the graffiti can then.

“You have to be fucking kidding me.” He says, still not believing his eyes. “I’m not doing this.”

“You said you trusted me.” Hoseok answers back, lips curving into a sly smile. Kihyun hates him.

“I do, but-”

“Just shut up.” Hoseok throws the second helmet at him, and Kihyun almost trips while trying to get a hold of it. “And get on the motorbike.”

They drive somewhere into the city; Kihyun can’t really pinpoint where, because Seoul is big and he hasn’t seen much of it either. It’s late at night, the city lights twinkling like stars in the sky, and the sight is beyond beautiful. Hoseok parks his motorbike really far away from the place they’re actually heading, and Kihyun is already hating most of it. He doesn’t like going out of his comfort zone, so when Hoseok hands him the black face mask that covers almost all of his face, he can no longer ignore the uneasy feeling on his stomach.

“I really don’t want to go to jail.” He says, lips pursed.

“You won’t.” Hoseok reassures him for the nth time in the night. “I promise you’re going to like it.”

“I doubt.”

There’s a big, grey and dirty wall in front of them. It’s next to train rails and full of graffities that are no more than a few ugly words here and there.

“Draw whatever you want.” He says, picking up some graffiti cans from inside the bags. They’re all different colours.

“I really can’t draw with this.” Kihyun feels his heart pounding loud whenever he hears a car nearby.

“You can.” Hoseok insists. “You just need to let go of your inhibitions.”

“That’s not how it works, Hoseok.” He replies, lightly annoyed. He’s scared and his mind is blank.

“It is, though. It happened to me as well.”

He takes a step back when Hoseok presses the button on the graffiti can and the droplets are sprayed all over the wall and floor. His brows are furrowed in concentration and his lips pursed into a thin line; Kihyun has never seen him like this before. He’s never seen Hoseok drawing before, actually.

He takes his sweet time, yet all his movements are rushed. He throws and picks up different graffiti cans as he sprays the liquid all over the wall, while Kihyun tries to figure out what he’s doing.

It’s a landscape, Kihyun notices after a while. It’s the view you can see from the esplanade where his studio is, a drawing similar to the one Kihyun did when he first moved in there. It’s all splashes of black, yellow and gold, and there are stains on Hoseok’s hands and forehead and he looks breathtakingly beautiful, even with the mask on, as he breathes erratically and there’s sweat dripping down his neck.

“Try it.” Hoseoks says, voice muffled by the fabric. He motions with his head for Kihyun to step forward and let himself go. “Trust me.”

So he does.

Unsurely, he grabs one of the graffiti cans on the plastic bag which once used to be white and now has turned into a mix of all the colours Hoseok has been using. He tries to come up with something to draw, but he hears Hoseok’s voice behind him.

“Don’t think about it, just do it.”

Even though it’s easier being said than done, he takes a deep breath and presses the button of the graffiti can as well, spraying it all over the wall. Much to his surprise, once he starts, he _can’t_ stop.

He throws and picks all the different graffiti cans just like Hoseok has done before, the adrenaline running through his veins and making his head spin – the feeling of doing something so beautiful yet illegal is thrilling and he just can’t stop. He feels Hoseok smiling behind him, his eyes have probably turned into crescents and his teeth are showing behind the face mask.

He lied about the ‘not thinking of anything’ part; his mind is filled with Hoseok and only Hoseok.

He draws until he’s exhausted and sweaty and his hands start to feel stiff, but he keeps going on until the sound of sirens interrupt him and he’s frozen in place. He hears Hoseok’s steps behind him, hand pressed on his lower back and mouth against his ear.

“Run.”

 

He runs and runs, following Hoseok all the time and not even sure how he hasn’t fainted already; his lungs are burning and he feels blood in his throat and his head is spinning in circles. They reach Hoseok’s motorbike after running for what seemed years, and when they make sure they’re not being pursued by the cops, Hoseok starts the motor and Kihyun holds onto him as if his life depended on it.

In the road, Kihyun’s body is still trembling with adrenaline and excitement; he feels thrilled and something else, something he cannot pinpoint but is placed behind his ribcage, right next to his heart and just becomes bigger whenever he looks at Hoseok, whenever he feels the rough, leather fabric of his jacket underneath his fingers, whenever he smells his scent; citrus and coffee and home. Kihyun realizes he feels _alive_ , and very much in love.

When they arrive at Kihyun’s, they’re both still high and breathing erratically, even after spending fifteen minutes on the motorbike, Kihyun can still feel the thrill in his veins as they pump blood fervently, his heart thumping loud in his chest.

He grabs Hoseok by the collar of his leather jacket and pulls him into a kiss even before he’s unlocked the door, his back collapsing against the hard wood as he fumbles trying to find the keys on the pocket of his jeans, lips still glued to the other’s man.

Hoseok laughs and pushes him softly so they can properly enter his house, and Kihyun whines in disappointment at the loss of his warm, soft lips.

His needy self is satisfied when Hoseok closes the door after him and is kissing him again, making his knees turn into jelly and his heart skip a beat. He probably will never get used to this.

“Ki.” Hoseok says, in between kisses. He’s pushed Kihyun gently over the bed and now they’re a mess of tangled limbs and moans.

“Yes?” he murmurs, as his lips leave a trail of wet kisses along Hoseok’s neck. His neck is big and beautiful, he can feel his carotid artery going crazy under his tongue, pumping blood at an erratic pace. He takes his sweet time leaving hickeys all over the pale skin. The purple bruises over the pale, smooth skin Hoseok has are so beautiful that Kihyun thinks it should be one of the Wonders of the World.

“I love you.”

Kihyun’s gasps, lips still pressed against the soft skin of his neck’s expanse, and now he’s not sure if the loud heartbeats are his or Hoseok’s. Probably both.

“I love you too.” He replies, moving forward and cupping Hoseok’s cheeks.

He stares at the man in front of him – so strong, yet so delicate; he’s so beautiful that it makes Kihyun’s head spin around and his heart rate skyrocket into the universe. For Kihyun, who hated Hoseok to death when he first met him for messing up with his perfect, white wall with his childish drawings, to going to do the same type of drawings with him months later, feels like something unbelievable. He fell in love with every single one of Hoseok’s little imperfections, those that made him be just like how he was – beautiful, breath-taking, and just so perfect for him. When Hoseok grabs his hands, smiling at him so brightly under the moonlight, having him melt under his touch, Kihyun knows they’re going to be together for a very long time – maybe forever, together and inseparable, through thick and thin, just like how a painting remained forever on its canvas.

 

**Author's Note:**

> comments are very much appreciated and i really hope it wasn't that bad! ;uu; thank you for reading ❤️


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